DO you like scheming against your colleagues at work, even if you work in a dreary office and there’s not really much point? Here’s how to go about it.
Be a fake friend
If a colleague is having problems, pretend to be their friend when really you’re collecting negative comments about co-workers and bosses that can later be used against them. Tell yourself this is fine and absolutely nothing like being in the Gestapo.
Badmouth colleagues in a jokey way
Say things like: “I bet the pub orders an extra lorry load of Lambrini when they know you’re coming, Judy!” You’ve cleverly insinuated they’re a low-status alcoholic, and given the level of humour in most offices you will be regarded as a Wildean wit.
Become the office organiser
Organising trivia quizzes and embarrassing charity activities will give you the pathetic sense of authority you crave. Also it allows you to snitch on staff who aren’t ‘team players’ because they don’t get an erection at the thought of Pudsey Bear.
Blatantly suck up to anyone who can help your career
Obviously you should be fawning over your boss and pretending you’re mates. But always be on the lookout for other middle-management types to ingratiate yourself with, even if it means sprinting down a corridor after some bellend who’s ‘Strategic New Media Marketing Deputy Vision Leader’.
Criticise people in a vague but damning way
If asked your opinion of a colleague say, “Chris? Nice enough guy but he’s very… nah, forget I said anything.” This will leave them forever tainted with vague criticism that could mean anything from ‘disorganised’ to ‘keen on heroin’.
Leave early at boozy office dos
This won’t aid your career directly, but it will prevent an altercation with a shitfaced colleague who’s remembered you made him look a twat for being 10 minutes late a few times.