How to blame other people for f**king up at work

ARE you always getting things wrong at work but don’t fancy being unemployed? Read our guide to shifting the blame.

Basically say your co-workers are shit

Gary keeps forgetting to copy you into emails, Lucy is too chatty and Rob eats his sandwiches in a distracting way. There’s no way a business genius like you can be expected to work in this hellish environment.

Your boss isn’t ‘inspiring’ you

It’s unclear how your hapless line manager not having the leadership skills of General George Patton is causing you to turn up late with a hangover every morning, but it’s worth a try.

Luckily many bosses read bullshit business books with titles like Crossing the Business Rubicon: How to Lead Like Caesar, so they will probably agree with you, the twats.

Learn from the bellends on The Apprentice

These tossers are masters of evading responsibility when their business plan to sell vindaloo baby food or whatever goes tits up. Try things like: “Sasha was disrespecting my input as project manager when I was trying to keep it real.” Remember not to add “Sir Alan”.

Use wanky business jargon

This works best in large companies where corporate drivel is the lingua franca. Say things like “Simon hasn’t been keeping me in the loop” or “Rebecca isn’t proactively intra-strategising me in the feedback synergy.”

Note: Less effective in small businesses in the North where your boss will simply ask you if you want a toe up your arse.

Demand to have every trivial piece of shit confirmed

You MUST have an email confirming you’re meant to go to meetings or exhibitions you’re clearly meant to attend. Otherwise you’ll just sit at your desk eating cashews and playing World of Warships.

Claim your colleagues are plotting to murder you

Strictly a last-ditch excuse for serious work problems like defrauding your employer to the tune of £43,000.

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Nice couple sound like murderers when discussing their inheritance

A PLEASANT couple suddenly become very cold and calculating when talking about their elderly parents’ deaths, friends have revealed.

When the subject of their parents’ money comes up, Tom and Rachel Booker sound slightly evil, as if they might be planning to ‘help them on their way’.

Friend Emma Bradford said: “Tom and Rachel always seemed nice, but now they’ve started saying really harsh things like, ‘Dad’s going to die soon. That’s just life.’

“Also they’ve started taking a massive interest in their parents’ finances. I’m sure I heard Rachel say ‘They won’t be needing ISAs where they’re going’. I don’t think she meant a Saga cruise.

“I hope they’re not actually planning to murder them. I know Tom bought a new spade recently, but maybe I’m reading too much into that.”

Rachel Booker said: “There’s no point living in a dream world and pretending your parents will live forever. It’s sad, but it’s just nature’s way of letting the next generation buy a larger property.

“I’ll be devastated when my parents go, but I’d prefer them to shuffle off with dignity rather than spending years in a care home worrying about spending all their savings on it.

“Do you know how to make a Stannah Stairlift go much faster? Tom’s father has a very weak bladder.”