How to bullshit your way through a day at work

WORRIED your colleagues are one Zoom call away from finding out you’re shockingly inept and should be fired? Blag your way through the day with these tips: 

Spout corporate jargon

Firing off the latest buzzwords will confuse and impress your co-workers. You can get them from anywhere, so saying ‘moving forward we’ll pwn the K-pop stans and yeet melts, the fash and reply guys,’ will guarantee nods of agreement and affirmation.

Always be on the phone

You can’t be interrupted for an urgent talk about your performance if you’ve got a phone glued to your ear and sound like you’re about to close a deal. If anyone challenges you, get another phone on the other ear then just glare.

Wear an expensive watch

Strapping a Rolex onto your wrist will make bosses sit up and take notice of even the most lowly of employees. They’ll be thinking things like ‘How the fuck did he afford that?’, ‘Is it fake?’ and ‘Wait. Am I his boss or is he my boss? I can’t remember’.

Claim you’re taking a client out to lunch

Sounds important and buys you valuable time to update your CV from the privacy of Wetherspoons. Best of all you can order two people’s worth of food and drink and claim the whole thing back on expenses.

Ask for a promotion

Blindside your superiors when they call you in to fire you by demanding a promotion. Even if you’ve missed your targets for the last three quarters your manager will be so off-guard you might even get it, and then you can start paying off that Rolex loan.

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That was your f**king summer

The UK has collectively realised that it is August bank holiday and that miserable three months just past was its f**king summer. 

The complete absence of all the usual milestones like school holidays, actual holidays, music festivals, family parties and Euro 2020 means that Britons still held out vague hope that the good bit of summer could be just coming up until today.

Tom Booker of Lincoln said: “What were my highlights of summer 2020? Well, I’d have to say that one nervous, socially distanced visit to the pub where I had three pints before it started raining.

“Other than that? Well there was our crappy piss-wet camping staycation. There was wearing a facemask in the shops. Once we went to a beach, but it was so busy we turned around and drove home.

“There’s been joyless football, painfully shit attempts to do a virtual Glastonbury or Edinburgh Fringe or Notting Hill Carnival or whatever, and now it’s over.

“Spring was bollocks, but at least lockdown was a bit of a novelty and we all felt a warm glow of togetherness. The summer didn’t even have that. Worst ever.”

He added: “No, wait, what summer was it where Umbrella was number one and it never stopped raining for months? 2007? This hasn’t been as bad as that.”