WORRIED your colleagues are one Zoom call away from finding out you’re shockingly inept and should be fired? Blag your way through the day with these tips:
Spout corporate jargon
Firing off the latest buzzwords will confuse and impress your co-workers. You can get them from anywhere, so saying ‘moving forward we’ll pwn the K-pop stans and yeet melts, the fash and reply guys,’ will guarantee nods of agreement and affirmation.
Always be on the phone
You can’t be interrupted for an urgent talk about your performance if you’ve got a phone glued to your ear and sound like you’re about to close a deal. If anyone challenges you, get another phone on the other ear then just glare.
Wear an expensive watch
Strapping a Rolex onto your wrist will make bosses sit up and take notice of even the most lowly of employees. They’ll be thinking things like ‘How the fuck did he afford that?’, ‘Is it fake?’ and ‘Wait. Am I his boss or is he my boss? I can’t remember’.
Claim you’re taking a client out to lunch
Sounds important and buys you valuable time to update your CV from the privacy of Wetherspoons. Best of all you can order two people’s worth of food and drink and claim the whole thing back on expenses.
Ask for a promotion
Blindside your superiors when they call you in to fire you by demanding a promotion. Even if you’ve missed your targets for the last three quarters your manager will be so off-guard you might even get it, and then you can start paying off that Rolex loan.