Dying of coronavirus as unlikely as owning your own home, millennials reassured
FOR Britons aged between 25 and 39 the chance of dying from coronavirus is as remote as one day owning property, the government has reassured.
Research has shown that for anyone born between 1981 and 1996, there is as little reason to fear Covid as there is to hope for the financial independence their parents and grandparents enjoyed.
Dr Helen Archer said: “My research compares mortality rates from the virus against property prices and wages in key millennial areas, like Shoreditch.”
“Using algorithms which compare variables like pop-ups, vinyl ownership and numbers of flat whites bought a month we have established that millennials have a 0.09 per cent chance of ever owning a home, compared to a 0.07 per cent chance of dying of the virus.
“If you were active on Livejournal in the 00s, wear a backpack to clubs or have an unusually large beard, you need not fear. Though economically it’ll hit you like a ton of f**king bricks.”
29-year-old Lucy Parry said: “Anecdotally that makes sense. I only know a few people who’ve had the virus, but everyone I know is paying £750 a month for an overcrowded flatshare.
“This pandemic’s nothing to us. We were born doomed.”