Dying of coronavirus as unlikely as owning your own home, millennials reassured

FOR Britons aged between 25 and 39 the chance of dying from coronavirus is as remote as one day owning property, the government has reassured.

Research has shown that for anyone born between 1981 and 1996, there is as little reason to fear Covid as there is to hope for the financial independence their parents and grandparents enjoyed.

Dr Helen Archer said: “My research compares mortality rates from the virus against property prices and wages in key millennial areas, like Shoreditch.”

“Using algorithms which compare variables like pop-ups, vinyl ownership and numbers of flat whites bought a month we have established that millennials have a 0.09 per cent chance of ever owning a home, compared to a 0.07 per cent chance of dying of the virus.

“If you were active on Livejournal in the 00s, wear a backpack to clubs or have an unusually large beard, you need not fear. Though economically it’ll hit you like a ton of f**king bricks.”

29-year-old Lucy Parry said: “Anecdotally that makes sense. I only know a few people who’ve had the virus, but everyone I know is paying £750 a month for an overcrowded flatshare.

“This pandemic’s nothing to us. We were born doomed.”

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Wanker fixing up classic car

AN absolute wanker is going to fix up a classic car, he has revealed.

Bank manager Tom Logan has bought a 1981 Jaguar XJ saloon at auction and plans to spend his weekends fixing it up and telling everybody about fixing it up, he has confirmed.

He said: “My lack of mechanical experience won’t get in the way. I’ll learn on the job.

“The main thing is I’ve now entered into a fraternity of men who spend their weekends in the garage, meet each other to swap parts and talk in numbers and initials in pubs.

“It doesn’t matter if the car itself never gets finished. For 20 years I’ll be talking about sourcing the original cassette player from a scrapyard in Stirling or whether I’ll fit a CD player, with lots of nods and authoritative opinions.

“Eventually it’ll be roadworthy and I’ll buy that lead additive you need for classic cars and drive around the countryside smogging up every little village I drive through with blue exhaust fumes.

“Then I’ll put it in the garage and get on with my next wanker hobby, like microbrewing or clay pigeon shooting or breeding Labradoodles.”