How to find a career you'll love for at least a month

ENJOYING your job is important, at least until the novelty wears off and you realise it’s still just a job. Here’s how to find a career that will truly satisfy you for a few weeks.

Choose something that pays a lot

Being lured in by a big pay packet will make you feel good for a very short time. Enjoy watching your bank account grow, until it dawns on you that your life is meaningless – and no one has any sympathy because you’re a smug, overpaid twat. 

Get a job title that sounds cool

The main point of working is to pathetically try to impress other people. Look for buzzwords like ‘strategist’, ‘creative’ or ‘ideation lead’, and feel highly superior. Then realise that even the ponciest job title means getting out of bed every day and wasting your time in unnecessary meetings with people you don’t like. 

Look for a set-up that is convenient

A job near your house? Work you can do from home long-term? Something that fits around your childcare arrangements? These are all incredibly handy, but narrow down your career options so much you’ll be forced to do work you loathe and despise within a matter of weeks. 

Seek out work that suits your personality

Try to find a creative job that allows you to be yourself. Fab! Until you grasp that everyone wants a job like this and the competition means your employer will pay you peanuts until you retire, still with a massive student loan.  

Do what your parents want you to do

There is nothing like the glow you feel when your parents admit they’re pleased with you, so become a corporate lawyer or similar. It’s even better if your siblings have careers they disapprove of, eg. street juggler in Bristol. Until you notice you are bored shitless all the time.

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Using 'are' instead of 'our', and other signs British education is f**ked

THE weird habit of writing ‘are’ instead of ‘our’ suggests many Brits are being failed by the education system. Here are some other worrying signs.

‘Are’ instead of ‘our’

Something has gone badly wrong here. These are two entirely different words. You wouldn’t say ‘I’d like to learn to ride a hearse’. It’s basically phonetic written English, in which case soon expect work emails like: ‘Meating at 12pm but there will be sand wedges layed on.’

A very confused understanding of history and/or politics

Non-historians aren’t expected to know the exact start date of the Chartist movement, but it’s handy to know basic facts like: England had a civil war, Jacob Rees-Mogg is not the prime minister, and there is a vanishingly small chance of Hitler still being alive in Buenos Aires.

Blind faith in calculators 

Unless you’re a bit weird and love sums, a calculator is best for totting up figures. However reports abound of pupils doing things like adding 27 to 151, accidentally adding a zero to the latter and thinking 1,537 is correct. 

Common phrase abuse

Strangely creative in some ways, eg. ‘Deaf as a door handle’, but still wrong. Eventually all metaphorical cliches will be mangled to death, with people saying things like: ‘He’s the fly in the oinkment, with brass nobs on.’ 

Unsupported opinions are not an argument

Even GCSEs require you to support your arguments, so you’d think people might have taken this on board. Nah. As Brexit Britain has proved, if you’ve imagined we subsidise the EU – which makes all our laws – that’s a FACT.

A general love of stupid crap

Love Island, Daily Mail comments, getting heavily into debt with online bingo – Brits do love moronic things. Although all of these are pretty erudite compared to the average episode of BBC Question Time at the moment.