How to get hammered and embarrass yourself at the office Zoom party

JUST because the office party is online doesn’t mean you can’t make a total arse of yourself and face online disciplinary proceedings the next day. Follow these tips: 

Have plenty of cheap booze ready

For the authentic office party vibe, get a crate of wholesale red wine costing no more than £2 a bottle. It should taste of vinegar and be called something like ‘Bonjour Vino’ to ineptly disguise that it’s from Albania and made of antifreeze.

Start way too early

You can’t go to the pub at lunchtime, so start boozing at 1pm for a 6pm start. By the time you log on you should be alarmingly pissed against an arresting backdrop, like a bookshelf full of your amateur taxidermy, and exhorting colleagues to do shots.

Forget you’re on Zoom

As the weird Zoom party gets underway, try to clink glasses with a colleague forgetting there’s a laptop screen in the way and spilling wine everywhere. Then wander off so everyone’s looking at a blank wall while you rant from an unseen location.

Start dancing in a mad fashion

Dancing at an office party is embarrassing. Dancing on Zoom in your living room is humiliating. Ignore this and try freaky rave dancing, a Saturday Night Fever impression, and finally give yourself a black eye tripping over your coffee table while pogoing.

Tell someone you love them

Drunk, on Zoom, think everyone’s got you muted but they haven’t? Now’s the perfect time to tell an attractive co-worker you’ve always fancied them so the entire office can record your humiliating rejection. And thanks to the one bright spark who clicked record, relive it again and again.

Wallow in regret the following day

Ask yourself questions like: did I really do that? Do I still have a job? Why did Lucy turn off her camera? On the upside, you’ve used technology to overcome the challenges of Covid and still have a traditional office party. You can probably put that on your CV.

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Fate of entire nation depends on Boris taking a woman seriously

THE fate of the whole UK depends on Boris Johnson taking a woman to dinner, listening to what she says and taking it seriously. 

The economic future of Britain hinges on the prime minister’s dinner with Ursula von der Leyen this evening, and few believe there is any reason to hope that he won’t f**k it up.

Johnson said: “Don’t mention the war. Don’t try to shag her. Don’t forget this isn’t the Bullingdon Club and she won’t laugh if you set fire to the curtains.

“Listen to her? That can’t be right. Surely the polite thing to do when a woman is talking is wait until she’s finished? Listening would be cruel.

“And not just a woman but a Kraut, surely an act of deliberate provocation. But they say that imitating her accent with the old stiff-arm salute would end all hope of a deal.

“I thought I’d just lie my way out of it, but apparently this little lady’s got a head for figures. Crikey. Boris has got himself in a real scrape this time. Well, here goes!”

The dinner is expected to conclude without a deal after Johnson drinks two bottles of Bordeaux, puts his hands in his trouser pockets and offers to show Dr von der Leyen the white-eared elephant.