JUST because the office party is online doesn’t mean you can’t make a total arse of yourself and face online disciplinary proceedings the next day. Follow these tips:
Have plenty of cheap booze ready
For the authentic office party vibe, get a crate of wholesale red wine costing no more than £2 a bottle. It should taste of vinegar and be called something like ‘Bonjour Vino’ to ineptly disguise that it’s from Albania and made of antifreeze.
Start way too early
You can’t go to the pub at lunchtime, so start boozing at 1pm for a 6pm start. By the time you log on you should be alarmingly pissed against an arresting backdrop, like a bookshelf full of your amateur taxidermy, and exhorting colleagues to do shots.
Forget you’re on Zoom
As the weird Zoom party gets underway, try to clink glasses with a colleague forgetting there’s a laptop screen in the way and spilling wine everywhere. Then wander off so everyone’s looking at a blank wall while you rant from an unseen location.
Start dancing in a mad fashion
Dancing at an office party is embarrassing. Dancing on Zoom in your living room is humiliating. Ignore this and try freaky rave dancing, a Saturday Night Fever impression, and finally give yourself a black eye tripping over your coffee table while pogoing.
Tell someone you love them
Drunk, on Zoom, think everyone’s got you muted but they haven’t? Now’s the perfect time to tell an attractive co-worker you’ve always fancied them so the entire office can record your humiliating rejection. And thanks to the one bright spark who clicked record, relive it again and again.
Wallow in regret the following day
Ask yourself questions like: did I really do that? Do I still have a job? Why did Lucy turn off her camera? On the upside, you’ve used technology to overcome the challenges of Covid and still have a traditional office party. You can probably put that on your CV.