ARE you both pathetic and pathetically underpaid? Trying to work up courage to ask for a small raise? Here’s how to cringe and beg:
Be more subservient than usual
Your boss needs to know what you’re bringing to the table. That won’t be new ideas or income streams, but it could be a level of obsequiousness that makes Doctor Doom’s underlings look bold and forceful. Try to develop involuntary moans and terrified facial tics.
Whisper into their ear at night
Asking directly will never work, so why not try the Inception gambit? If you can’t get into their mind, get into their house and murmur ‘A little extra cash every month and their car might not offend you so much when you’re forced to walk past it. Maybe they could afford a second pair of trousers.’
Accidentally forward an email of praise
Got something done unusually quick and been praised for it? Forward the relevant email to your boss. That ‘Cheers’ from a client will either have her spontaneously giving you an extra £3,500 a year, or will be ignored, deleted and never mentioned again.
Be visibly poor
These are tough times and your boss needs to be sure you really deserve this. Come into the office in rags and eat a raw potato for lunch, thus presenting yourself as someone who desperately deserves at least a five per cent pay increase before tax.
Start crying
If you’re coming to the end of your annual review and there’s been no mention of pay, start snivelling and don’t stop until they agree that yes, you can have your piddling little pay rise if you’ll just stop leaking mucus on their desk. They’ll hate you for it, but then you hate having no money.
