How to remember what your crappy job is

ARE you back at work but struggling to remember what you’re meant to be doing? Read our guide and find out.

What can you see?
If there’s a little TV with a plastic typewriter underneath, you probably work in an office. Sadly it’s not a proper TV and only shows ‘Microsoft Office’, although that’s increasingly more interesting than The Walking Dead.

If you’re surrounded by people in yellow hats you could work in construction. If you’re wearing a helmet inside a kind of glass dome you may be a fighter pilot. For fuck’s sake don’t press any buttons.

Is anyone flirting with you?
This could mean you work in an office with potential for romance. However, if you are just wearing a tiny thong and high heels you may be a lapdancer. Find out what ‘extras’ are before agreeing to anything.

How many legs have your co-workers got?
If it’s just two that suggests you work in admin, retail or the service sector. If it’s four you probably work on a farm or in an abattoir. Don’t get too attached to any of your ‘colleagues’, no matter how attractive they are.

Do people keep sending you weird electronic messages?
Again, evidence that you work in an office, particularly if the messages are workspeak bullshit, eg. “Great meeting. Totally across it re. new drainpipe catalogue. Jo and Suzanne really running some blue skies thinking up the flagpole as ever! I’ll be actioning all week. Jeff.”

Is everyone shorter than you?
A sure sign that you are a primary school teacher, particularly if they sometimes ask for help going to the toilet. Another possibility is that you are Willy Wonka. Check to see if your workplace contains a chocolate river and a badly designed, potentially lethal air conditioning system. What you and the Oompa Loompas do outside work hours is your business.

Is everyone around you worthless scum who don’t deserve a second of your precious time?
You are a bus driver.

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Man who's been doing Dry January for four days can't understand why he's still fat

A MAN who has been off the booze since the early hours of 1st January is baffled as to why he is still overweight.

Tom Booker, who spent New Year’s Eve drunkenly explaining how much he was looking forward to not drinking, has strangely not yet seen any benefits of Dry January.

Booker said: “Constantly consuming alcohol has turned me into a flabby, pale blob so I thought stopping would quickly reverse the process and turn me into that bloke who plays Thor.

“But it appears I was lied to. I haven’t lost any weight, even though I spent the best part of New Year’s Day vomiting up a combination of prosecco and Wotsits.

“I don’t know why everyone thinks Dry January is a good thing. All my friends say it’ll make me feel amazing, but I just feel depressed and chubby.

“I can’t even get pissed to cheer myself up. Frankly not drinking to excess and gorging on late-night snacks feels like a retrograde step.”

Alcohol specialist Dr Emma Bradford said: “This is most unusual. You should instantly lose a stone after going a day without booze, or at least feel you have.”