How to successfully take a shit at work: A 12-step guide

GOING for a poo at work takes the detailed planning and slick execution of a bank robbery. Here’s how not to get caught red-handed in this terrible, shameful act.

1. Ask yourself: ‘Do I really need to do this?’ If it’s 2pm can’t you just hang on another few hours? You’ll be in sweaty, crippled agony, but at least you can do it in the sanctuary of your own bathroom. Practise extreme sphincter discipline.

2. Avoid peak times. Doing a sly dump is much harder first thing and at lunchtime and home time. The last thing you want is to get rumbled by Anne from HR, so wait until at least 11pm when all the staff and cleaners have gone.

3. Pick a quiet toilet. Every company has a remote loo on a different floor which is famously ‘the place where everyone goes to have a shit’. Go one better. If your company has a branch 80 miles away drive there to do your business.

4. Open a window. Ventilation is key, even if you have to clamber up precariously on top of the sink. But falling and breaking your neck is still less embarrassing than your line manager getting a whiff of your Monday morning dispatch.

5. Lift your feet up. The last thing you want is one of your colleagues looking under the stall door and ID-ing you from your new work shoes. A true nightmare scenario.

6. Put bog roll in the toilet. The old ‘landing pad’ – a tried and tested technique. Scientists have confirmed it’s the best way to prevent an embarrassingly audible ‘plop’. Don’t mess with a classic.

7. But don’t stuff the toilet with too much bog roll. Don’t risk blocking the toilet. You’ll have to tell the man from maintenance, who won’t say it but will clearly regard you as scum. Forget about ever being promoted and you may end up with a new nickname: The Phantom Shitter.

8. Shit at breakneck speed. The main aim of any work-based crap. Get in and out as quickly as you can, like the SAS. Anyone observing you will say ‘They couldn’t have pooed in that time’. Your Machiavellian scheming has outwitted the poor simple fool. Ha ha. HA HA HA!

9. Destroy the evidence. If you leave piss on the seat or skids down the back of the lav, it’s 100 per cent guaranteed you’ll open the stall door and be confronted by your boss waiting for a slash.

10. Have an exit strategy. To distract suspicious colleagues, visit the kitchen on the way back. If you saunter back to your desk with a tray of teas and posh biscuits, the last thing on anyone’s mind will be you squatting over the porcelain. Unless they’re a bit weird.

11. Shift the blame. If you’ve had a mare and stunk out the entire office, brazen it out. Back at your desk, loudly complain about someone ‘doing massive shits in the staff loos again’. Mention how it’s ‘the third time this week’ and even refer to it as  ‘disrespectful’.

12. Apply for a new job. Someone might have noticed you committing this disgusting normal bodily function. The shame. So best to quit and move to another company. Just in case.

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How to survive a journey on a crappy old two-carriage train

SO you’ve arrived at the station only to discover you’re travelling on a two-carriage rattler. Read these tips to make it through a journey that’s inevitably going to be awful.

Avoid other passengers

Sometimes you daydream about meeting the love of your life on a train. Not this time. It’s a fight for survival and that’s it. Try to make yourself invisible to the yobs, the warring hen do and the 50 Stoke City fans who set off a flare in the bogs and tried to hang the guard out of the window when he limp-wristedly asked them not to.

Don’t breathe in

It’s a big ask but try not to breathe for your entire three-hour journey. It’s likely your train will smell like someone has died on there. Which is unfair, because the actual number of deaths is probably much higher, including a few suicides. Secure a window seat and inhale deeply on the relatively pleasant fumes from burnt brake pads.

Remember happier times

The journey will be zero fun. This train has no wifi, no charger points and no hope. Your phone will die as soon as you leave the station. Your only entertainment will be watching an empty bottle of Blue WKD rolling all the way up and down the carriage floor for the entire journey.

Enjoy the 74 random stops along the way

By saving a few quid you’ve turned a journey that normally takes 20 minutes into a boring odyssey, visiting a million tiny stations while travelling at 10mph. Biggleswade, Bagshot, Belper? Are these places real? They sound like they’re from Harry Potter. And, suspiciously, when you stop at them no one gets on or off. A total waste of time. Perfect.

For Christ’s sake don’t think about the train

If you stop and consider what you’re actually travelling on, you’re finished. It’s worryingly old and knackered or even a Pacer, the chassis of a bus Pritt Sticked onto train wheels and a true Frankenstein’s monster. Except he was bolted together with some level of skill and care.  

Hit the biggest guy on there

Yes, this is advice to get respect on your first night in prison. But it might be wise here as Wormwood Scrubs and the 20:05 to Aberdeen have a similar atmosphere. And a good chance you could get shanked if you look at someone funny.