I hate my life, says only honest person on LinkedIn

THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision. 

Digital outreach manager Martin Bishop told his 198 LinkedIn connections he was ‘delighted to share’ that ‘every twat on this site does nothing but bollocks for money’.

He continued: “I don’t know what SEO stands for and neither do you pricks. I’ve checked. And you can stick DevOps, agility, ESG, synthesis and your action points up your arse.

“I’m bored all day and bored all night. The only difference between work and recreation is the size and orientation of the glowing rectangle I’m staring at, and even that line’s blurry.

“At work, I’m drowing in an ocean of ungiven f**ks about my core competencies. I’m half-heartedly looking for another job, but can I sign up to a business vision when businesses do not have visions? They’re not Joan of pissing Arc.

“I even hate LinkedIn itself. The endless cacophony of people parroting ‘congratulations!’, or ‘Tom Logan celebrates this’ ‘Julian Cook finds this insightful’. The only reason we’re all here because we want more money, so shut up.”

LinkedIn connection Francesca Johnson commented: “Congratulations, Martin! Finding this insightful.”

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No seriously, what the f**k’s going on with Kate? asks Britain

A NOW quite worried Britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the Princess of Wales. 

Britons who have no real interest in the Royals beyond paying for them are suddenly realising that a two-month absence and a digitally manipulated photo are strong grounds for suspicion.

Nathan Muir of Reading said: “So if they can’t even release a recent photo of her, where the f**king hell is she?

“I’m not demanding she return to her Royal engagements. If a Lord Mayor has to snip the ribbon on a new children’s ward I couldn’t give a bugger. But we, her loyal subjects, are very pointedly not being told shit at this point.

“Look, we’re not trying to be intrusive. When you announced ‘planned abdominal surgery’ we all kept our speculation to friends, family, colleagues and strangers at bus stops. We ignored America’s mental conspiracy theories.

“However, at the point where you can’t even produce a photo of her sitting down with her kids, we have a duty of care to ask what in f**k’s happening. You’ve told us we love and cherish her, yeah? So can we find out what’s going on?”

A Royal spokesman said: “You don’t love her. In fact you don’t like her much and wouldn’t even notice if she was gone.”