OFFICE workers struggle through the depths of winter every year, hoping to be rewarded by summer. But the heat brings its own ordeals:
Identifying co-workers by smell
You don’t know the name of the new guy that sits behind you, but you could pick him out of a line-up based on BO alone. Be advised: if you hear him start talking about getting back into cycling to work, you are legally entitled to go on extended medical leave.
Fighting about fans
One person’s too hot, one’s too cold, one hates the noise, one needs the socket for their laptop charger. The ensuing bickering will create an unpleasant atmosphere until the end of September. And if the office has air-conditioning, some twat will always insist it’s set to freezing. It’s one of nature’s laws.
Watching the life cycle of a colleague’s sunburn
If they want to singe the skin off their arms and legs every weekend, it could be argued that it’s entirely their business. However, when you’re the one that has to watch it crust over, flake off, and get all over your desk when they come by for a chat, it feels like you are very closely involved as well.
Hearing about wanky family holidays
You had to put up with your line manager’s smug out-of-office for a fortnight, and your reward is to nod along to their anecdote about one of their many interchangeable offspring being a ‘natural’ at windsurfing for the millionth time. Which is annoying, especially as you can only afford a long weekend in Barnstaple this year.
Hearing your boss’ arse peel off her chair
A two-fold torture experience. Firstly, it’s made you picture just how sweaty her arse is. Even worse, it’s made you realise how soggy your own bum is, and worry about the noise that will be produced when you eventually have to stand up.
Seeing manky toes
Middle-aged men need to learn that only their closest family should be forced to witness them in sandals. Also, why has wearing shorts to the office become acceptable? Their pale bony ankles are almost as horrifying as their disgusting feet.