IT support disgusted by how little you know about computers

A TECH support worker cannot believe the lack of basic computer knowledge people today have, he has confirmed. 

IT desk manager Joe Turner gets upwards of 50 calls a day from people who would be entirely capable of fixing their own problems if they just learned the basics.

He said: “Most offices have been entirely computerised for more than 30 years. But still I deal with so-called senior employees every day that don’t even know how to flush their server-side cache. It’s frankly nauseating.

“It’s as if they’re not interested in learning a bit of code to help themselves. They should give it a try. It’s far more rewarding than ‘running a importation business’ or whatever.

“If everyone just tried to deal with a damaged DLL file, I could spend less time on the phone and more time having in-depth discussions about the best series of Farscape.

“But they’re all wilfully ignorant. Half the time they can’t even follow simple instructions and I have to take over their screen, and they act like it’s voodoo that the mouse pointer’s moving on its own. They sicken me.”

Hayes added: “I lied about having good interpersonal skills on my CV. As long as I can reset their passwords when they forget them every other day nobody gives a shit.”

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The Brexiter's guide to pretending whatever deal Johnson gets is the exact deal you wanted

BORIS Johnson’s deal with the EU will be a huge disappointment to Leave voters who never knew what they wanted anyway. Tell yourself this lot of bollocks:

Ignore all detail
Brexiters have the same level of interest in detail as potatoes have in Einstein-Rosen wormhole theory. Ignore the fact that it’s Theresa May’s deal in a plastic Union Jack hat, and just say things like “Finally we’re bloody out!”

Be an outright twat
It’s easy to ignore job losses when it’s faceless people in other parts of the country; it’s how we passed the 80s. If it’s your own family you’ll just have to be a shit about it. Tell your jobless graduate daughter fruit-picking is the new biochemistry and she could work her way up to supervisor.

Ignore immigration not stopping
Economic migrants will still come to the UK, so just completely ignore them now. This will be easy because they were never doing you any harm in the first place.

Use jargon
Sound knowledgeable by spouting random snippets of jargon you’ve read online, eg ‘Australia plus plus, plus plus plus, plus was what I voted for. Greenland doesn’t have cod rights in its ferry quota tariffs.’

Forget about all the other right-wing crap that made you vote for Brexit
Brexit was never about a supra-national trading bloc. It was random grievances: Muslims, the Germans, people on Channel 5 dole documentaries, hanging, debit cards instead of proper money, and litter in beauty spots. Plus hanging again.