Key workers to be called low-skilled workers again by Easter

WORKERS in essential services will be downgraded from heroes to low-skilled by Easter if vaccinations continue at their current rate, it has been confirmed. 

Supermarket staff, care home workers, nurses, teachers, and delivery drivers will once again be unappreciated, undervalued and ignored by the British public.

Co-op worker Donna Sheridan said: “I can’t wait. Being shown a modicum of respect just underlined just how bad the situation was.

“Obviously we never got a penny more for putting our lives on the line, which was a great relief, but when that unspoken thanks in our customers’ eyes vanishes and they’re looking straight through us again, the world’s back to normal.

“Hopefully within the year the Tories will be cutting our in-work benefits to balance the books and this long nightmare of respect and gratitude will be over.”

Professor Chris Whitty said: “The moment you get your jab, the person doing it stops being a hero and starts being a low-paid worker you glare at for hurting your arm.

“They should really be better at it, all their years at medical school. The sooner we privatise the NHS the better. Next slide.”

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Let’s write off this generation of kids and focus on the next lot, says Williamson

THE education secretary has confirmed that we are failing a generation of children, so we may as well forget them and put our efforts into the next set. 

Gavin Williamson agreed that children missing nearly a year of education and examinations have had their futures taken away from them, but that there is no point throwing good money after bad.

He continued: “Fair play, holding my hands up, we’ve made mistakes. Can’t go back and change that now, so let’s write these off and start again.

“The nation will always need minimum-wage earners without qualifications. And now we’ve got a solid foundation of those in the pipeline, the next generation can be artists or ballet dancers or whatever.

“If you’ve got a child aged between nine and 18, then you have my full apologies. But you’ll save on tuition fees so it’s not all bad, and it’ll be nice to have someone who can unblock a sink in the family.”

Mum Emma Bradford said: “I had high hopes for my children before the pandemic but Gavin’s right, it’s too late to fix the damage of a year of eight-hour PlayStation days now.

“And because they’re written off I can claim 12 years of childcare back against tax, so financially it’s a real windfall.”