Lazy bastard millennial refusing to work for free

AN entitled young person has self-indulgently turned down a fantastic career opportunity of long-term unpaid work.

Snowflake mathematics graduate Nathan Muir, 23, rejected the unpaid internship at a marketing company on the dubious grounds that he wanted to avoid becoming homeless or starving to death.

Managing director Donna Sheridan said: “Nathan has missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime chance to work a 48-hour week doing shit no one else can be arsed to do.

“He needs to realise he can’t get a highly paid job with no experience. If he got his foot on the career ladder by working here for, say, 15 years, then we could think about a generous salary of 17k.

“Millennials want it all handed to them on a plate. A plate full of avocados. Hard graft is what gets you on in life, not being a vegan and daydreaming about being on reality TV.

“Those aren’t things I actually learned about Nathan during his interview, I got it from an opinion piece in the Telegraph.” 

Muir said: “Actually they can stuff their job because I’ve been offered a better one. There still isn’t a salary but you’re allowed to subsist on leftover sandwiches from meetings.”

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Remainer torn between feeling extremely smug and extremely terrified

A REMAINER’S pleasing feelings of superiority over other voters have been marred by genuine terror over what is coming next.

Tom Booker, who believes his views have been vindicated by the likely damage to the economy, describes himself as feeling deeply concerned about the future but also super-clever.

IT worker Booker said: “It’s clear now how uninformed and misled the British people were, and also how brilliant and perceptive I was. God, I’m smart.

“I’m really worried about my children’s future, but on the upside I’ve been able to say ‘Clever Daddy said it was a terrible idea from the beginning but nobody listened. Perhaps we’ll all listen to Clever Daddy from now on?’.

“Losing my job would be a disaster, although it would free up a lot of time to constantly remind everyone I saw through Farage and Rees-Mogg right from the beginning.”

Booker added that Britain would not be in this mess if less intelligent people such as the children who used to bully him at school had not been allowed to vote.

“Liam Hobson used to stick my head down the toilet for reading the Guardian in the fifth form. Well who’s being flushed down the toilet now? Britain, that’s who. I win.”