'Long commute to the kitchen table!' and other jokes your online co-workers hate

THE country is back in lockdown, everyone’s back on Zoom, and they probably need cheering up. Crack these gags they’ve already heard four times this morning: 

‘Sorry I’m late, stuck in traffic!’

Resentment can really build during those excruciating minutes making small talk while they wait for you to join the party. Really cement that bitterness when you arrive with this quip reminding them of the world that’s gone, and the fleeting nature of their time alive.

‘I was on mute was I? Probably what you’d all prefer, eh?’

The fact that you haven’t learnt to unmute yourself without your colleagues reminding you in over nine months is doing the trick already. Use this banter to make them wish for the eternal muteness of the great beyond.

‘Is my camera not on? And you all so desperate to see this gorgeous face!’

See above.

‘Woah! Check out my background!’ 

Workers across the country are crying out for wit and variety, something emphatically not provided by you fiddling with your computer for ages, repeatedly asking ‘Has it worked?’ then suddenly being in The Simpsons living room.

‘I’m naked from the waist down!’

Why stop at destroying their will to work? Hammer home to your co-workers who haven’t had any action for months that the closest they’ll get to titillation is imagining you half-naked and they’ll lose the will to love, too.

‘Do I look different to anyone?’ 

Delivered when you’ve sat your dog in your chair and are stifling giggles from off-camera. Nobody gets it because nobody’s looked at your quadrant of the screen since May.

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Lockdown to give government vital time to find excuses for next lockdown

A NEW national lockdown is necessary to buy time to create a bold new set of excuses for the lockdown after that, the government has admitted. 

Michael Gove, the prime minister’s bitch, confirmed that they had no option but to take drastic action in order to brainstorm why in another two months it will be necessary to take drastic action again.

He said: “There is no choice but to impose another lockdown, because… there was… a mutant… see, this is why we need it.

“The virus is out of control. Our whack-a-mole PR strategy is no longer working, and wasting time and resources we could be using to find a better scapegoat for why the virus is out of control.

“We can only paper over the cracks with footage of 82-year-olds being vaccinated for so long, and incidentally there’s more of that today and we’ll be obsessively returning to it in every interview.

“Alas, the vaccine alone is not enough. Alas, mass immunity is still many months away. Alas, it is inevitable we will continue to cock up, so we need to bank some generic ‘alases’ in advance.

“So once again, we ask the British public to be patient. Your sacrifice will give us precious time to come up with an excuse that’s at least solid enough for the Daily Mail, and if that fails we’ll start the clapping again. Thank you.”