Boris Johnson's guide to acting the prick in serious situations

WISH you had a devil-may-care buccaneering attitude like myself, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson? Here’s how to behave inappropriately even when locking down Britain: 

Use stupid phrases

I’ve previously referred to ‘the bugle of the scientific cavalry’ and ‘vital arrows in our epidemiological quiver’, so last night I tried ‘we have a fair wind in our sails’. I’m hoping everyone thinks we’re going on an 18th-century nautical adventure, those ones where half the crew dies.

Muss up your hair again

Your hair, of course, should be roguishly unkempt. Nothing says ‘I’m taking this unprecedented public health crisis seriously’ like a 56-year-old man who’s more concerned with the lustre of the blonde covering up the pink bald patches.

Do a thing with your fists

As you may have noticed, I like to clench my hands in fists and do frustrated little gestures with them. It looks determined, it looks macho, and if you overdid it on the Chateau Lafite the night before, no one will notice your Frenchman’s shake.

Appear to be acting badly

Keep the audience guessing as to whether you’re sincere, trying so hard to sound sincere it comes across as false, or a sociopath putting on an act. Whichever is true, your overall performance should be so unconvincing people are reminded of Hollyoaks or Acorn Antiques.

Spin the facts till you’re dizzy

Last night I presented this utter shambles as a triumph for British vaccines, scientists and our wonderful NHS which we Tories have always backed to the hilt. It’s all nonsense, obviously, but a bit of wanking over the Union Jack worked at the last election.

Look like an unrepentant serial killer

Be calm, confident and friendly, oblivious to the impact your words are having. If there’s one thing guaranteed to prove you are treating Covid with utmost seriousness it’s treating it with the breezy disregard of Ted Bundy.

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This shit again

ALL this lockdown bullshit is happening again exactly like the f**king last time, Britain has wearily confirmed. 

The third national lockdown was once again announced too late for no reason when the damage is already done, and nobody believes it will be over in seven bloody weeks either.

Labourer Jordan Gardner said: “So, nine months down the line, we appear to be doing exactly the same f**king thing because we’ve learned nothing.

“I remember at the time why we did it. It was very clear to me. We did it so we wouldn’t be doing this. So how’s that worked out?

“F**king test and trace, f**king PPE, f**king Eat Out to f**king Help Out, the rule of bastard six, what was the point? A year of my life. Gone.”

Helen Archer of Colchester agreed: “Perhaps if we’d taken it seriously instead of prematurely declaring it over, ordering everyone back to work and bollocking about with Brexit, we could have avoided doing the exact same shit yet again?

“Ah well. Only another four or five lockdowns and I’m sure we’ll learn.”