Low UK productivity linked to Fridays, weather, colleagues, short days, long days, mood, pay, surroundings and everything f**king else

BRITISH workers have the lowest productivity in the G7 because of literally every crappy little aspect of their lives, they have explained. 

Research has found the productivity crisis is because of the internet, being a bit tired, being a bit hungover, too many emails, long hours, easing into Monday, hunger, obesity, Wordle and Lent.

Office manager Tom Logan said: “It’s not one thing. It’s down to short days, long days, commuting, working from home, having to leave early to post a parcel, your tooth hurting a bit, that Friday feeling and being bored shitless.

“Then there’s having to fill in a weekly dashboard about last week’s work, the two-day offsite strategy meeting to discuss higher productivity, having to do your expenses, and dealing with someone from Finance about budgets. Technically work. Produces f**k-all.

“And I think we should also factor in it taking ages to get a coffee, doing a fasting diet, if it’s cold, being upset about the news, if things are too similar or too different to normal, and the water in the water cooler tasting funny.

“And of course there’s being annoyed with Mark from Compliance, it getting dark too early in winter or the sun streaming in summer, needing to buy Dua Lipa tickets, the kids’ goldfish looking a bit peaky, Christmas, the Grand National sweepstake, and it being almost 3pm so you might as well leave it until tomorrow.”

Productivity expert Dr Helen Archer said: “To be honest I did a bit of a half-arsed job on the research. I wasn’t really feeling it that month.”

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Why dogs should be allowed to sleep in your bed, by your dog

CHICKEN? Chicken for me? No chicken at all? Shame. Anyway, big beds are for dogs and humans, speaking as a dog. Let me in because: 


Beds are nice and warm. You like to be nice and warm. I burn with the heat of a thousand fires. Dogs have no sweat glands. I will cover you with perspiration so you smell more like you, which makes you powerful.


I enjoy the game we play. Where a human snores then I snore twice as loud. I am excellent at this game. I like to make loud noises all the time to scare rivals. Tonight I am trying out sleep-barking.


I could be a service dog. At any moment in bed you could be dying. But I make sure you are not. By standing on your kidneys when you least expect it. Loud swearing means you are alive. You are welcome.


If stomp does not work. I unleash my majestic scent by your head and on your bedclothes. It will revive you. Swearing is even louder. You are even more alive.


I will improve the boring white bedsheets with it. I will paint it. With the garden. And my biscuit crumbs. Also the suspicious liquids my body produces. They come in a range of colours. To the trained nose it is beautiful.


You love me. I love you. We both love you patting me on my soft head. I think you will also love waking up at 5am because my soft head is staring at you in the dark. Which brings me to my next article, ‘why dogs should be walked at 5am’.