BRITISH workers have the lowest productivity in the G7 because of literally every crappy little aspect of their lives, they have explained.
Research has found the productivity crisis is because of the internet, being a bit tired, being a bit hungover, too many emails, long hours, easing into Monday, hunger, obesity, Wordle and Lent.
Office manager Tom Logan said: “It’s not one thing. It’s down to short days, long days, commuting, working from home, having to leave early to post a parcel, your tooth hurting a bit, that Friday feeling and being bored shitless.
“Then there’s having to fill in a weekly dashboard about last week’s work, the two-day offsite strategy meeting to discuss higher productivity, having to do your expenses, and dealing with someone from Finance about budgets. Technically work. Produces f**k-all.
“And I think we should also factor in it taking ages to get a coffee, doing a fasting diet, if it’s cold, being upset about the news, if things are too similar or too different to normal, and the water in the water cooler tasting funny.
“And of course there’s being annoyed with Mark from Compliance, it getting dark too early in winter or the sun streaming in summer, needing to buy Dua Lipa tickets, the kids’ goldfish looking a bit peaky, Christmas, the Grand National sweepstake, and it being almost 3pm so you might as well leave it until tomorrow.”
Productivity expert Dr Helen Archer said: “To be honest I did a bit of a half-arsed job on the research. I wasn’t really feeling it that month.”