Man struggling to remember what he did in the before times

AN ACCOUNTANT, web designer or possible technical writer is trying to remember what the job that he used to do five days a week was.

Wayne Hayes, who was furloughed by ‘a man in a suit’ last month, knows his career used to involved turning on a computer but after that is going completely blank.

He continued: “I know for a fact there was an office I used to go to, but after that I’m hazy. There was a ping pong table but I don’t think that was my job.

“It feels important to remember because it’s Monday, even though I was up playing Skyrim until 3am last night which isn’t what I used to do on a Sunday night. Probably.

“God, I remember being shouted at by someone and then shouting at someone myself, all about a… annual report? Or was it an SEO campaign? Or a contract? It’s just… gone.”

Holding up a pair of football boots, Hayes continued: “I also have these special shoes and for some reason I think they’re to do with a man called Lee and Thursday nights.”

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Double your drinking and four other ways to make it feel like the weekend

ARE your weeks blurring into one long snack-laden, news-addled pyjama fest, broken only by a few half-arsed attempts at work? Here’s how to change that.

Double your drinking

If you want to feel anything like as hungover and plagued with regret as you used to at the weekend, up your alcohol intake. The only bar you can prop up these days is the metaphorical one you’re lowering for yourself each day, but don’t let that stop you drinking deep.

Halve your exercise

Remember when you used to get to the weekend exhausted, instead of feeling like a caged animal whose only real daily exertion is chewing? Challenge yourself to move even less than you do in the week. Piss on the sofa if you have to.

Regret all your virtual social plans

Weekends were once about arranging to see people and instantly regretting committing yourself to having to make any kind of effort. Thankfully you can still do this via an app, and be as morosely terrible company as you are in real life.

Achieve less than you wanted to

It’s not the weekend if you don’t feel like you should be doing more with this precious free time. Be sure to dream unrealistically big about what can be accomplished so that you feel the usual disappointment, for example buy an expensive set of weights that you only use as a door stop.

Get depressed on Sunday night

There’s nothing like the dread of a regular Sunday evening that says ‘it’s the end of the weekend’. As you don’t have to get up and go to work the next day, have a big news binge instead. That will make you feel as anxious and fearful as a Sunday night should.

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