Man's satisfaction at finally sending email ruined by near-instant reply

A MAN’S joy at finally replying to and dismissing an email from a co-worker was ruined in moments when he received a reply. 

It was already a Monday morning when compliance manager Wayne Hayes found himself facing five emails which demanded responses.  Yet his strenuous ordeal to reply to the first was met with the unexpected violence of an immediate follow-up question.

He said: “Since when did getting paid a monthly salary mean I was Martin from payroll’s bitch? What gives him the right?

“It was barely 10.37am but nevertheless, I took his email right by the reins – a request for my expenses that I’d been putting off for a fortnight – and I blasted through it. Three, maybe even four sentences poured out of me, and I remembered the attachments and everything.

“So you can understand how I felt when a reply pings in less than a minute later. What kind of person replies to emails as soon as he sees them? Does he have nothing better to do?

“And what a reply it was. ‘Was I aware of the new expenses policy’ and ‘could I set up a profile on the new portal’. Not only a follow-up question but a demand to remember a new password. I’m just one man, trying to make it in the world, needing a dump break.

“I don’t believe in revenge, but I do believe in being petty. I’ll reply at 5pm on Friday then instantly log off. Maybe he’ll think twice in the future before being so aggressive.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

At the bus stop, at work, and other places women aren't interested in being chatted up

WOULD you like to express your sexual interest in a woman? Try these six locations where she definitely will not want to hear about it: 

At the bus stop

It’s early morning, she’s got her headphones on, happily minding her own business listening to a podcast about serial killers, and you tap her on the shoulder. She stops the podcast, removes her headphones and receives the information that, all things considered, you’d love to bone her. She is not especially receptive to this. The bus arrives.

While working retail

This time it’s a gorgeous shop assistant, and the seductive way she follows her script means you really think you have a connection. Avoid the manager appearing behind you by understanding she’s only feigning fascination because ‘flawless customer service to creepy pricks’ is her job description. Take your receipt and move on.

In a hospital waiting room

Even if you’re in for a routine check-up and not a groin rash, no woman is ready for flirtation while she’s waiting for a doctor’s appointment. She’s going to be poked and asked intrusive questions by a stranger only interested in her body shortly anyway, and at least that stranger has a medical degree so is a decent prospect.

At the supermarket

In that movie, two strangers’ hands met over the last avocado and they fell in love. Today, in Lidl, the woman seems pissed off that you’ve taken the last avocado. Nor does she seem open to letting you inspect the contents of her trolley to assess them for sexiness. What is she here for, to buy shopping?

At a funeral

You’re a family friend, she’s a great-niece, in the midst of death you’ve got the horn, so surely perhaps you could turn this moment of solemn grief into a joyously carnal occasion? ‘You look really fit in black,’ you purr. ‘I can’t believe he’s gone,’ she replies, totally killing the mood.

At her own wedding

Speaking of big life events, the bride’s flattered response to your compliments at her wedding reception on her wedding day can be misconstrued. She’s pleased she looks lovely, but she’s not open to a shag round the back of the kitchens. You admit to yourself you might have missed the boat on this one.