Miserable bastard postman wants you to know what an inconvenience you are

A LOCAL postman is furious with residents on his route for receiving mail.

Wayne Hayes is well-known locally for complaining bitterly about having to do his chosen job and shoving letters into customers’ hands while snapping “someone’s popular”.

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “We all live in fear of an interaction with Wayne. You’re not sure if he’s going to hand you a package or whip out an axe and murder you.

“If something won’t fit through the letter box he stands at the door sighing impatiently as if you’re really ruining his day. Normally he signs off with a sarcastic ‘There you go – your majesty’.

“Receiving a parcel via ordinary post seems to particularly trigger him. If a neighbour isn’t in whoever signs for it gets a lecture on ‘selfish arseholes’ who can’t even be in to receive things they order.

“I can’t help but think he should consider a different career more suited to his temperament. Maybe contract killer.”

Hayes said: “Why can’t these bastards use email? Oh no, they have to have poncy paper letters from their la-di-da friends and their fancy electricity suppliers.

“Now fuck off and stop wasting my time. I’ve got to go and drop elastic bands everywhere.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

No-deal Brexit to be total pain in the arse which is absolutely great, Britain confusingly told

THE Government has detailed all the crippling inconveniences of a no-deal Brexit while adding how much we will love them.

Britons have been warned about extreme hassles including higher card payments and customs declarations forms, and told not to complain because they will be absolutely brilliant.

Brexit minister Dominic Raab said: “Get ready for long, excellent waits at borders. What a great opportunity to catch up on your reading or have some peaceful ‘me time’.

“Organic farmers will face a nine-month delay to get certification, which they should welcome as a chance to rethink their hippy nonsense, and key medicines won’t be available, saving the NHS millions.

“Massive amounts of red, white and blue tape will be added to all exporting businesses. Meanwhile the supply of hot students coming here will dwindle so you’ll have to shag someone from your local Wetherspoons.

“It will be an absolute bastard which is why everyone should back our deal, though we will also be perfectly fine without it, so fuck you, Merkel.”

He added: “You’ll still be able to have a bacon sandwich, you’ll just have to book seven months in advance. Which is good because you’ll enjoy it more when it finally arrives.”