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Necessary to put on little show when late

EXPERTS have confirmed it is necessary to put on a little show when arriving late for work.

Despite it making no difference to actual lateness, unpunctual individuals still feel the need to walk in hurriedly, roll their eyes and repeatedly check their watch, preferably while tutting. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Entering a packed office at 9.30am is the same whether you walk calmly in or rush to your desk exaggeratedly wiping sweat from your brow. 

“However, people still consistently engage in ‘performative lateness’, which does not make them any less tardy, but does publicly demonstrate that they disapprove of their own poor timekeeping.

“Common symptoms include making a furious yet wholly pointless show of rapidly removing your coat, looking annoyed and muttering darkly about violent revenge against Network Rail – not that it would make the service any worse.”

Frequent latecomer Martin Bishop said: “I’m 20 minutes late for a meeting. I could just stroll in nonchalantly, but that wouldn’t be apologetic and British enough so instead I’m jogging up and down the stairs to make them think I’ve run from the station.

“It’s weird because I drove here and this will make me even later. As is my planned comment that using the Circle Line is ‘like getting the last chopper out of Saigon’. I just hope nobody notices this massive iced coffee I stopped for on the way.”

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Six animals that would have been a f**king nightmare on the ark

AS rain falls and you’re reminded of the only other Bible story you know, you reflect on what a logistical nightmare Noah’s Ark would be. These animals would have ruined it: 

Mosquitos

You’d need to keep a dirty freshwater reservoir just for these parasites and vectors of disease to breed. Your reward? An irritating buzzing noise and bites. Far greater temptation than Eden’s apple would be Noah’s temptation to leave them out and eliminate the bastards entirely. But God was watching so he couldn’t.

Beavers

Trees, branches, coffee tables; these little bastards are always gnawing wood. The ark was made of wood. The problem is therefore obvious, and the Bible fails to clarify if the beaver couple were given regular branches to chew through or wore Hannibal Lecter muzzles. Left unchecked they would bring that ship down.

Otters

They look super cute, but otters are exceptionally stinky. Think of your grandfather when he moved in his chair and released 36 hours of homebrewed flatulence on Boxing Day. They’d be better in a little dinghy towed behind the Ark, but God didn’t allow for that, did he? And you don’t want to anger Him when he’s already wiped out every living thing on Earth.

Rhinos

The rhino is large, unintelligent and when it faces danger, charges at it. If it suspects a lemur of, despite its small size and appearance, being a large, dangerous predator it won’t hold back. Whichever of Noah’s sons was in charge of stopping the Ark becoming an open-plan live-work space must have had an exceptionally calming voice.

Dung beetles

Noah would originally have had big plans for the dung beetles. Nature’s latrine workers were to be employed in squadrons, cleaning up the huge amounts of shit produced daily and rolling it off the stern. ‘I said two of everything’, God clarified, and Noah sighed and picked up a shovel.

Anything Australian

With the exception of koalas, all Australian animals kill you. Once the waters went down, Noah sensibly decided to dump them all on a big island in the Southern hemisphere to poison or eat each other. Somehow they survived to make visiting the country a terror for any normal person. Australians, meanwhile, can’t see what the fuss is about.

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