Gladiators revival to include silent dad hiding erection in background

THE new series of Gladiators will include a father sitting in the background quietly ogling the female stars while hiding his excitement under a cushion. 

The reboot of the popular 90s show will faithfully recreate the original version by featuring an awkwardly silent dad concealing a semi over scantily-clad woman grappling each other, but this time on the show.

A spokesperson for the series said: “Ill-timed parental boners were a staple of Gladiators back in the day, just like big cotton bud stick fights. The revival wouldn’t be complete without them.

“So every event will feature at least one middle-aged dad in the background, shifting in his armchair, pretending not to watch while actually not missing a second of the sweaty, grunting action. You might not notice him. But you’ll be comforted that he’s there.

“And to stimulate the old fella’s jaded member we’ve got a host of toned Gladiators squeezed into the tightest spandex possible: Athena, Diamond, Comet, each sounding more like a porn star than the last.

“The only reason Bradley Walsh is presenting it is to cool dads down. Quickly cutting from oiled, glistening Amazons in the throes of combat to that creased ex-redcoat face will be like a bucket of cold water.”

Dad Wayne Hayes, aged 43, said: “Gladiators is a relic. The world has moved on. We have Nigella and Rachel Riley now.”

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Six hospitalised in stampede caused by woman 'curious about vinyl'

A WOMAN who expressed mild curiousity about the benefits of vinyl is directly responsible for a stampede which crushed six, police have confirmed. 

Charlotte Phelps entered a Dalston record shop where she asked ‘Why is it better, then?’, sparking a sudden rush of men wearing thick-framed glasses and babbling about ‘analogue warmth’.

Market stallholder Roy Hobbs said: “There were hundreds of them, converging from all directions, all bearded and wearing beanies and muttering opinions about Sonic Youth.

“None of them were particularly fit or fast-moving, as the only exercise they get is building walls of Kallax shelving, but they’d scented prey. Their overlarge scarves fluttered as they bore down on her.

“it was bedlam. They were shouting ‘with vinyl, you’re physically holding an album you love and have a tangible connection with the music’ and ‘you don’t really own music with streaming’ and ‘they’re art objects’ through the locked door.

“It was no better inside. The customers had converged on her. She had to be slipped out the back, and we believe may have scratched a triple-LP of Tuff Gong rarities.

Police officer Martin Bishop said: “We suspect the woman was trying to start trouble, and are investigating her in connection with remarking ‘What would the Japanese know about whisky?’ in a pop-up bar earlier today. A man died.”