THE new series of Gladiators will include a father sitting in the background quietly ogling the female stars while hiding his excitement under a cushion.
The reboot of the popular 90s show will faithfully recreate the original version by featuring an awkwardly silent dad concealing a semi over scantily-clad woman grappling each other, but this time on the show.
A spokesperson for the series said: “Ill-timed parental boners were a staple of Gladiators back in the day, just like big cotton bud stick fights. The revival wouldn’t be complete without them.
“So every event will feature at least one middle-aged dad in the background, shifting in his armchair, pretending not to watch while actually not missing a second of the sweaty, grunting action. You might not notice him. But you’ll be comforted that he’s there.
“And to stimulate the old fella’s jaded member we’ve got a host of toned Gladiators squeezed into the tightest spandex possible: Athena, Diamond, Comet, each sounding more like a porn star than the last.
“The only reason Bradley Walsh is presenting it is to cool dads down. Quickly cutting from oiled, glistening Amazons in the throes of combat to that creased ex-redcoat face will be like a bucket of cold water.”
Dad Wayne Hayes, aged 43, said: “Gladiators is a relic. The world has moved on. We have Nigella and Rachel Riley now.”