'Just imagine how good he'll be once he's on the lager' say awed darts fans

AMAZED darts fans believe that once 16-year-old darts semi-finalist Luke Littler can drink ten pints his game will take a quantum leap forward. 

The teenager’s rapid ascent through the ranks is only a shadow of the achievements expected once he is legally able to consume the official drink of the sport in two years.

Fan Oliver O’Connor said: “If he’s playing darts like that without… my God. The mind boggles on what he’ll do on a bellyful of the good stuff.

“Most people can’t even recognise darts as a sport until they’re at least six pints to the good, and I’m talking about the hardcore at Ally Pally. So this kid is clearly blessed, perhaps with a natural blood alcohol level of 0.12.

“Once he reaches drinking age he’ll go up to a whole other level. Get ten pints inside him and every dart will be laser-guided. His opponents won’t stand a chance no matter how much they drink.

“We could be looking at an all-timer here. I can’t wait to see it. Shame he’s so youthful and fresh-faced that he could never get served underage.”

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Adverts make annual switch from 'stuff your face' to 'you fat bastard'

THE nation’s advertisers have performed their customary about-turn from encouraging over-consumption of all kinds to calling you a fat twat. 

As the year changed from 2023 to 2024, advertisers ceased proffering trays of chocolates or party nibbles to instead chastise you for not subscribing to a health programme or joining a gym.

Nathan Muir of Skipton said: “Why have you taken the Tia Maria away? Just two days ago, you were telling me I deserved it and I gratefully concurred.

“Now you’re saying I need a weight loss journey app where I get regular voicemails from doctors, a solid time in a 10k and a Peleton to be happy and fulfilled? When last month it was a tin of Celebrations and a selection of luxury crisps?

“Also it seems to be imperative I book my holiday now. I’m not booking my holiday now. It’s January.”

Media buyer Carolyn Ryan said: “Fat is out, thin is in, throw away everything you bought last month and buy entirely new things for a new life of extreme self-denial.

“I’ve taken up the Big Narstie Slimfast diet. The shakes are alright but I’m struggling to smoke the necessary weed.”