Work wanker was ready to circle back on pre-Christmas request moment clock struck midnight

YOUR annoying colleague has already chased up on that task they assigned to you just before Christmas, it has emerged. 

The anally-retentive co-worker in your office was raring to follow up on their high priority email as the notes from Auld Lang Syne still lingered in the air and a barrage of fireworks exploded in the midnight sky of January first.

They said: “Remember that email I sent on the last day just before you headed out for beers? The one asking you for a colour-coded spreadsheet breaking down crucial client details? I’m still waiting.

“I said I needed it immediately and I wasn’t joking. The second that New Zealand rang in 2024 I reached for my laptop and started looking through my inbox. Imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find anything from you. 

“I’ve sent you an email at 8.30am on your first day back marked ‘critical’ so you won’t forget to ping it over. When can I expect an update?

“I trust you’ve been working away on it diligently over the last fortnight. If you’ve just been hanging out with loved ones, stuffing your face and watching TV then this might have to become a HR issue.

“No, I’m not technically your boss, but that’s besides the point. What are you going to do anyway, tell me to f**k off? You haven’t got the balls.”

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Woman completes first day of Dry January by being horribly, terminally hungover

A WOMAN has inadvertently got Dry January off to a flying start by being so ill she could not contemplate alcohol. 

36-year-old Donna Sheridan has breezed through her first drink-free day by spending the entire day hunched over her toilet, sweating, swearing and groaning ‘never again, please God’.

She said: “Can’t you see I’m dying in here? Turn the light off before I throw up again.

“Staying sober in January is supposed to be difficult, but I didn’t expect it to nearly kill me. Please tell me this is the worst of it and it gets easier from here on out, I’m begging you. I can’t do 30 more days like this.

“Why am I being punished for ringing in the New Year when my intentions were good? I put away all the booze I had, even the tequila, so I wouldn’t be tempted today and it hurts so much I can’t even be smug about being on the wagon.

“Even the thought of just sipping a glass of prosecco is enough to make me heave. If I somehow survive today that’s me off the booze forever. Nothing but elderflower presse for me from now on.”

Friend Emma Howard said: “Two weeks in, Donna will really start to feel the benefits of Dry January. Healthy, happy, full of energy. Bet she celebrates with a drink.”