Office 'best wishes' card signed by five million people

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.

The card has been passed from desk to desk for the last six months and disinterestedly scrawled with a non-specific message by 0.8 per cent of the British population.

The name of the recipient, along with any clues about the life event it relates to, has been completely obliterated under thousands of layers of blue and black ink.

Investigating officer DI Carolyn Ryan said: “Spectrographic analysis shows 1.5 million people wrote ‘Best wishes’, 2.2 million wrote ‘Good luck’ and 0.4 million wrote ‘Don’t get too drunk’.”

“We’re struggling for leads as none of the witnesses pays even the slightest attention to the many cards that cross their desks every single day.

“And unfortunately we can’t analyse the card any further because one of the forensics team left it on their desk, it got passed around and signed and then went to the lads in traffic, and God knows where it went from there.

“But we remain anxious to trace the intended recipient to give them the card and an associated brown A4 envelope containing £640,000 in loose change.”

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Man watching The Traitors in underpants 'more than ready to go to war'

A MAN who spent last night watching The Traitors and drinking lager in his underpants is ready for war with Russia ‘tomorrow’, he has claimed. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 28, has responded to General Sir Patrick Sanders’s assertion there needs to be a shift in the mindset of British people to think more like troops by claiming he is up for conflict as and when, though he would need to put jeans on.

He continued: “The generals are always out of touch with the frontlines. My mindset’s on a permanent war footing.

“Obviously it’ll help if I’ve had a few cans, because an army marches on its blood alcohol level, but he’s underestimating the British public’s readiness for conflict. These two birds at Aldi on Monday almost had a scrap right there in the queue.

“Think more like troops? I’ve met squaddies. They’re just like me, except they drink more and tend to hospitalise anyone who looks at them funny in the kebab queue. Give me a week’s training and I’m there.

“Ready for the call-up? I was born ready, mate. I imagine with my experience in a chicken-gutting factory I’d be seconded to special forces, though I was fired for not turning up.

“Anyway, ready when you are General. Just checking, Russia would have to go through Poland, Czechia, Germany and France first, yeah? Get in touch when they reach EuroDisney.”