Office worker eats lunch at 10am, loses mind at 2pm

AN employee has caved and eaten his lunch ludicrously early, shifting his usual post-work mental breakdown into the mid-afternoon.

Oliver O’Connor rashly consumed his cheese and pickle sandwich in the morning, leaving him with nothing to look forward to until he is allowed to leave the building seven bleak hours later.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Office workers can only make it through the day with the promise of food at regular intervals, from a limp Pret croissant first thing to a guilty second Mars Bar at 5.25pm.

“When these are taken away, they get hungry, angry and despairing of the fact that they’re wasting their lives inputting data when they could be living on a small-holding on Orkney, despite having a mortal fear of pigs.

“This is why a vending machine is vital for all businesses. People satiated with sugar and engaged in conversations about which is the best flavour of Revel will never rise up to destroy their bosses.

“It’s coffee, by the way. The orange Revels are disgusting.”

Oliver O’Connor said: “I’ve nothing left to live for, now my sandwich is gone. Unless I come up with a plan to steal Mike’s Wagon Wheel. That will fend off the crushing ennui for at least 40 minutes.”

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I also have a dream, says Suella Braverman

LIKE Martin Luther King. Suella Braverman has a dream, though hers is to see flights deporting migrants to Rwanda by Christmas. And more: 

“Even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow – and let’s be honest, this conference has been a f**king nightmare – I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the batshit Brexit fantasies of hard-right nutjobs and bigots.

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of the gammon creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, apart from women, gays and foreigners, obviously.’

“I have a dream that on the sewage-lapped shores of Great Britain, the sons of former Labour-voting Red Wall voters and the sons of former Tory MPs will be able to sit down together at the table of racism and xenophobia.

“I have a dream that one day even woke cities like Brighton and Bristol, cities drowning in ethnic diversity and transgender perverts, drowning in vegans and cultural Marxists, will be transformed into deserts of prejudice and inhumanity.

“I have a dream that all of our children will one day live in a nation where they will be judged not by the content of their character, but whether they earn enough money for us to give them unnecessary tax breaks.

“I have a dream that one day every school, every library, every hospital in our country will be privatised, nothing left in inefficient public hands, and on that day we shall sing free at last, free at last, thank the almighty markets that nothing is free. At last.”