AN employee has caved and eaten his lunch ludicrously early, shifting his usual post-work mental breakdown into the mid-afternoon.
Oliver O’Connor rashly consumed his cheese and pickle sandwich in the morning, leaving him with nothing to look forward to until he is allowed to leave the building seven bleak hours later.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Office workers can only make it through the day with the promise of food at regular intervals, from a limp Pret croissant first thing to a guilty second Mars Bar at 5.25pm.
“When these are taken away, they get hungry, angry and despairing of the fact that they’re wasting their lives inputting data when they could be living on a small-holding on Orkney, despite having a mortal fear of pigs.
“This is why a vending machine is vital for all businesses. People satiated with sugar and engaged in conversations about which is the best flavour of Revel will never rise up to destroy their bosses.
“It’s coffee, by the way. The orange Revels are disgusting.”
Oliver O’Connor said: “I’ve nothing left to live for, now my sandwich is gone. Unless I come up with a plan to steal Mike’s Wagon Wheel. That will fend off the crushing ennui for at least 40 minutes.”