BRITAIN’S middle class families are telling everyone about their smug and aspirational New Year’s resolutions.

From Veganuary to no-plastics-2020, the bourgeoisie are relishing the opportunity to make resolutions that highlight how successful, ethical and generally wonderful they are.

Corporate lawyer Nathan Muir said: “I’ve given up nitrates. My wife’s climbing the Matterhorn in July. Our son Marcus is recording a daily video diary about decolonising his school’s curriculum, while our daughter Sasha is buying only vintage clothing all year.

“It’s all absolutely necessary stuff. I need to be fitter. So I’ve bought a Peloton and no more eating out at expensive restaurants. That’s going to be tough, not eating at those excellent, expensive restaurants I go to a lot.”

Wife Saorise said: “Of course I’ll be travelling to my climb by train, because we’ve given up air travel, because we can afford to.

“I’m also going on a diet. Not to lose weight, one that’s entirely focused on shopping locally and reducing my carbon footprint. I’ll be morally superior to just about everybody.”