Office workers having hard time getting used to holding in farts again

OFFICE workers across the country are struggling to get used to restraining their flatulence again, they have confirmed.

Employees of any business operating in a confined space reported post-Christmas battles to withhold their anal emissions for the sake of workplace harmony.

Nikki Hollis of Reading said: “I’ve been letting rip for a fortnight. They’ve only got longer, richer and more resonant as the holiday’s gone on. I’m not confident I can stop.

“It’s such a jarring change of pace. I can’t concentrate on work because I’ve always got one brewing with no avenue of escape.

“I was in a video conference earlier that felt so much like being at home and watching TV that I almost let one go. Would’ve been bad, too.”

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “Even if you get up and head to a quiet corner they’re all either occupied or reeking with recent use. The build-up of gases at the top of the emergency stairwell is frankly dangerous.”

The UK’s freelancers and remote workers have reported no such issues and have continued guffing foully into their pajamas all day as usual.

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Middle class families unveil dreadful New Year's resolutions

BRITAIN’S middle class families are telling everyone about their smug and aspirational New Year’s resolutions.

From Veganuary to no-plastics-2020, the bourgeoisie are relishing the opportunity to make resolutions that highlight how successful, ethical and generally wonderful they are.

Corporate lawyer Nathan Muir said: “I’ve given up nitrates. My wife’s climbing the Matterhorn in July. Our son Marcus is recording a daily video diary about decolonising his school’s curriculum, while our daughter Sasha is buying only vintage clothing all year.

“It’s all absolutely necessary stuff. I need to be fitter. So I’ve bought a Peloton and no more eating out at expensive restaurants. That’s going to be tough, not eating at those excellent, expensive restaurants I go to a lot.”

Wife Saorise said: “Of course I’ll be travelling to my climb by train, because we’ve given up air travel, because we can afford to.

“I’m also going on a diet. Not to lose weight, one that’s entirely focused on shopping locally and reducing my carbon footprint. I’ll be morally superior to just about everybody.”