Offices lure employees back with dedicated bitching room

EMPLOYERS are encouraging staff back into the office with meeting rooms set aside for bitching about workmates. 

With workers reluctant to return to work when they can seethe about arsehole colleagues from the comfort of their own homes, businesses hope new state-of-the-art corporate slagging suites will entice them back.

Joanna Kramer, head of a Manchester marketing firm, said: “In-person meetings are bullshit and unnecessary, but bitching is just no fun over Zoom.

“Bad-mouthing others builds intimacy and trust, and also promotes feelings of belonging and loyalty, all great for business. In short, bitching is back on the agenda in a big way.

“We’ve converted a meeting room into a dedicated area for spiteful mutterings, with acoustically-designed areas so nobody will overhear your sly backstabbing and shit-stirring. They’ll come flocking.”

Consultant Julian Cook said: “The modern office is all about wellbeing; at-desk neck and shoulder massages, lunchtime yoga, and feeling united in your loathing of the way Angela eats her yoghurts.

“By giving people a safe space to sound off about the pricks they work with, they’ll feel motivated and valued. I was in there sharing my irritation about that dick Carson this morning, and I feel f**king great.”

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19 things middle-class twats always have in their houses

ARE you a middle-class ponce with a property portfolio? Check off this list of things you undoubtedly already own: 

An Aga, and the exorbitant bills that go with it

A Smeg refridgerator

A collection of fridge magnets subtly showing off all the countries you’ve visited and bought fridge magnets from

A cupboard of Emma Bridgewater mugs

Six different kinds of pesto

The complete works of Shakespeare, untouched

The complete works of Stephen Fry, heavily thumbed

A tote bag from an obscure literary festival where you wore wellies but didn’t need them

A waxed brown hunting jacket that smells of your Labradoodle, Watson

A Labradoodle called Watson

A sheaf of Grade 6 piano books

An upright piano that hasn’t been played since 2013

A box room for the miserable German au pair

No miserable German au pair ‘because of bloody Brexit’ and definitely not because of the poor accommodation, working conditions and pay you offered

Four pairs of matching salopettes

A whole school photograph from your son’s time at an overpriced private school, with useful contacts mentally circled

An overwhelming feeling that others are constantly judging you and looking down on you, when this only actually applies to close friends and family

Discreet alcoholism

A Lakeland voucher