A TRAINEE plumber is relieved to have muddled through his final exam of making conversation with weird, middle-class men.
Having already mastered the actual plumbing, 24-year-old James Bates was desperate to succeed in the most gruelling part of his apprenticeship – a practical exam in which he tried to install a toilet while a twat called Julian constantly distracted him.
Bates said: “It was physically exhausting. First I had to deal with him noticeably changing his voice to try and sound ‘hard’, then I had to fend off his incessant offerings of tea while trying to insert a U-bend.
“Plumbing these days is barely about fixing pipes, most of the skill is in figuring out what football match some posh bellend is patronisingly trying to bond with you over.
“Some of the best plumbers don’t make the grade because they can’t deal with humouring a wanker called Hugo rabbiting on about 4-4-2 vs 4-3-3 to try and become an honorary member of the working class.
“At one point Julian started talking about fights in pubs, as if that was something I was familiar with. Luckily by then I just had to test the flush and I was done.”
Examiner Martin Bishop said: “Compared with keeping a conversation going for 20 minutes with a university lecturer ineptly discussing lager, pulling a mini-fatberg from a drain is a piece of piss.”