Plumber scrapes pass in tough 'making middle-class small talk' exam

A TRAINEE plumber is relieved to have muddled through his final exam of making conversation with weird, middle-class men.

Having already mastered the actual plumbing, 24-year-old James Bates was desperate to succeed in the most gruelling part of his apprenticeship – a practical exam in which he tried to install a toilet while a twat called Julian constantly distracted him.

Bates said: “It was physically exhausting. First I had to deal with him noticeably changing his voice to try and sound ‘hard’, then I had to fend off his incessant offerings of tea while trying to insert a U-bend.

“Plumbing these days is barely about fixing pipes, most of the skill is in figuring out what football match some posh bellend is patronisingly trying to bond with you over.

“Some of the best plumbers don’t make the grade because they can’t deal with humouring a wanker called Hugo rabbiting on about 4-4-2 vs 4-3-3 to try and become an honorary member of the working class.

“At one point Julian started talking about fights in pubs, as if that was something I was familiar with. Luckily by then I just had to test the flush and I was done.”

Examiner Martin Bishop said: “Compared with keeping a conversation going for 20 minutes with a university lecturer ineptly discussing lager, pulling a mini-fatberg from a drain is a piece of piss.”

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How to fix your TV's settings when it appears to be showing Nigel Farage

IS your TV displaying a blustering, pint-swigging prick who has no reason to be on air anymore? Fix it with these tips.

Give the screen a thump

You’ll likely be filled with rage at the sight of Farage’s ghoulish face popping up on the news, so put that anger to good use by slamming your fist down on your TV screen. Don’t hold back either. Imagine your 42-inch flatscreen is his chuckling, bullshit-spouting mug. If the telly breaks, at least you won’t have to look at him anymore.

Adjust the brightness and contrast

Call up the picture settings and adjust the colours, aspect ratio and saturation until Farage is distorted beyond recognition. Then hit the mute button to block out his hectoring tones. If you’re struggling to pull this one off, invite your parents round to fiddle with the controls. They’ve f**ked up the visuals on their own TV beyond repair, so they’ll ruin yours in no time.

F**k around with the satellite dish

Your TV can only show you Farage banging on about how the failure of Brexit is nothing to do with him if it’s picking up a signal. To fix this, point your dish in the wrong direction or leave it dangling from the wall so the screen shows an error message. You’ll miss Sky Sports but it’s preferable to watching the deranged diatribes of this cocky shit.

Change channel

In theory this should be an instant fix. But in theory Farage should have left the country to live abroad by now. Flicking through the channels could land you on GB News, where Farage hosts a primetime show designed to – guess what? – rile up gammons. Imagine if the batteries in your remote ran out at this point, you’d be stuck looking at him for a whole hour. Genghis Khan’s prisoners suffered a gentler fate.

Switch it off

The second your TV screen cuts to Farage, hit the ‘off’ button. It’s the only way to get rid of him that’s 100 per cent effective. Don’t worry, you won’t have to rely on your own thoughts or a book to entertain you. The internet is on hand to keep you amused with a steady slew of cat memes and personality quizzes not involving any sleazy little Brexit apologist gollums.