Pro gamer, and other careers idiot teenagers think are viable

PRO gamer is one of several activities deluded teenagers – especially males – think is a bona fide career. Here are some more of their wildly optimistic dream jobs.

Graffiti artist

Some graffiti artists get paid for it, in the same way that some people live to 122 years old. Those that do are dependent on the largesse of local council youth projects and, at the top end of the market, the whims of art collectors. Banksy makes millions, true, but he’s got a good gimmick. Most graffiti art is probably valued in minus figures once you factor in council cleaners blasting it off the side of the local leisure centre.

Pro gamer

Like a real sport, this requires dedication and hard work, playing and replaying the same game for hours every day until League of Legends holds all the appeal of six hours of A-level maths revision. And since you want to earn a living playing computer games, a love of hard work is not something you’re likely to have in spades. 

Human beatbox

Human beatboxes were originally a free ghetto alternative to drum machines in the 70s. The rise of super-cheap consumer electronics has made beatboxing obsolete, apart from the odd niche opportunity for a youth huffing and puffing away at a mic. You’d stand as much chance of earning a living by becoming a lamp lighter, telephone exchange operator or longbowman.


Unboxing is the basest form of storytelling, discarding the usual trappings of narrative in favour of a single plot point: what’s in the box? (Answer: A Pokemon-themed phone charger or similar crap.) Also there’s the issue of competition – anyone can take things out of a box, unless you’ve got no arms, in which case, bad luck. Plus the internet is an infinite sea of trivial ephemera, so while vapid shit like unboxing may be popular now, in a couple of months it could be people trading ‘rare’ soft drinks cans. Live by the sword, die by the sword, as they say. Or get a proper f**king job.


A career with insanely high rewards that requires a skill level lower than being in a shit band is again going to involve much competition. It also requires constant expenditure on records and you only get a small fee for gigs, so you’ll need an actual job. When you finally give up, you won’t even have happy memories of DJing, just lugging your gear to trendy bars after a day at work and standing in the corner while pissed people try to snog each other. That and a lingering sense of embarrassment that you thought you’d be the next Andy Weatherall.

Games tester

Can you spot the obvious flaw in getting paid for a job other people are willing to do for free? Despite this there are legit jobs as games testers, with an average salary in the UK believed to be about £25k. However it does require in-depth knowledge of games development and being able to write reports for programmers. Running around a Call of Duty map telling people you’ve buttf**ked their mum is only a small part of it.


With its bitches, cars and respec’, being a successful rapper is a painfully obvious adolescent male fantasy. Also, admitting you’re heading for a life of obscurity and possibly a job in the local frozen chicken warehouse requires a level of brutal self-honesty few of us possess, so imagining you’re the next Jay-Z isn’t a career, it’s more a form of counselling.

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Puzzled by-election voters can't find 'make Nadine Dorries a peer' option

VOTERS in the mid-Bedfordshire by-election cannot find the box to tick which means Nadine Dorries becomes a Lady, which surely is what this was all about.

Constituents of the novelist, columnist and MP have headed to the polls to give her the seat in the upper chamber she so richly deserves, only to find it not on the ballot.

Local resident Charlotte Phelps said: “Pick a new MP? Yes, but first things first.

“Our priority, as the people of mid-Beds, is the ennoblement of one Nadine Dorries, Boris Johnson’s doughtiest defender, to a permanent and well-remunerated position in the Lords.

“Everyone round here loves her. Her opportunistic Channel 4-bashing and slurred late-night TV interviews did so much for the local area.

“She’s a legend to us – none of us has ever seen her in person – and, like Nadine, I’m not prepared to see political representation for this seat until the King does the right thing.”

She added: “Who will I vote for then? Labour. This lot have f**ked it right up.”