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Sunak equally puzzled by who wrecked UK hospitals

THE prime minister is similarly puzzled by the state of UK hospitals which are mysteriously underfunded and understaffed.

Rishi Sunak has expressed his sympathy for the people of Gaza because he knows only too well how it feels for a nation’s hospitals to be purposefully destroyed by completely unknown forces.

During his visit to Israel, he said: “It’s a similar picture back home, only with over-stretched doctors and a lack of resources. Who’s to blame? Nobody knows, it’s a real head-scratcher.

“Could it be a government that’s been in power for 13 years and pushed the NHS to the brink of collapse with austerity measures? All with a view to selling it off and rolling out a private healthcare model? Unlikely.

“No, the real culprits are the foolhardy opposition who pumped millions of pounds into it decades ago and brought waiting times down to nine weeks. They’re definitely to blame. I expect it’s the same thing with you guys.

“If only there were publicly-elected members of parliament who could appoint some sort of health secretary to fix our failing hospitals. I know, it sounds like a mad pipe dream, but it’s the best solution I can think of.

“Anyway, good luck getting to the bottom of whoever did this. There’s bound to be a lot of spin and propaganda in the air so stay alert.”

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They only play the hits and you can afford to get pissed: Why tribute bands are better than actual bands

GONE to see your favourite band and they’ve insisted on playing their shit new album in full? Here’s why you’d enjoy a tribute band more.

They only play the hits

If you’re a huge star with a decades-long career, then of course you’re going to be bored stupid by songs you wrote 30 years ago. You want to play the fresh stuff. But if you’re a fan you want to hear the songs that remind you of your teenage years, not this unfamiliar new bollocks. A tribute band will only ever play the hits. They know which side their bread is buttered.

You can afford to get pissed

Buying tickets for a stadium gig sets you back hundreds of quid nowadays, and that’s before you get to the bar which is able to be a monstrous rip-off because you’re literally a captive audience. Go and see Ded Zeppelin at your local pub instead. Getting hammered for comparatively next to nothing will make up for occult-dabbling wildman ‘Jimmy Page’ looking more like your elderly dad.

You’ll have a great view

If you’ve been to the O2 in London you’ll know that, unless you shelled out the price of a secondhand car on so-called ‘golden circle’ tickets, the band will be approximately the size of ants. But if you see a well-known tribute act at a mid-sized venue, you’ll be able to see every expression on Nick Dagger’s vaguely-looks-like-the-real-thing face.

Getting home will be easy

Major rock stars only play in massive stadiums, which is great if you live in a city, but an inconvenient nightmare if you don’t. Have you ever tried travelling 80 miles home from central Birmingham after midnight on a Wednesday evening? It sucks a lot more than having to suspend your disbelief while watching Dour Straits.

They won’t be celebrity bellends

While your favourite pop stars are undoubtedly talented, it all went to their head 30 years ago and they’re now narcissistic dickheads who haven’t got the sense of humour to enjoy the crowd shouting ‘Play Freebird!’. Tribute acts do it for the love though, and will be thrilled to be there even if the only person in the crowd is you.

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