Productivity linked to giving a shit

A NEW study has found that workplace productivity is strongly linked to giving a shit about your job. 

Employees were followed over six months, with the most productive actually invested in their workplace and the least productive describing it as ‘the place I go to do my dumps’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Productivity is a major problem in Britain but we’ve found it very difficult to find anyone who gives a bugger about that, so hypothesised there could be a link.

“It turns out that not caring about your job, because it is stupid and everyone who works there is stupid and the entire thing is a waste of time, actually affects your performance.

“There’s a definite connection between using phrases like ‘Work is something I do to earn beer money’ or ‘the best thing about my job is using someone else’s internet’ and not ever trying.

“At the other end of the scale, we’ve linked increased productivity and shit-giving with performance-related bonuses. But we’ve checked and they’re just for bosses.”

Study particpant Francesca Johnson said: “I always wondered why I was so useless, but then I remembered that I do not give one tiny shit about my job. I only agreed to do the study because it was in work time.”

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Carrot in f**ked-up relationship with stick

A CARROT has confessed it is locked into a dysfunctional toxic co-dependent relationship with a stick. 

Carrot Wayne Hayes, who believes the whole thing began because opposites attract, wishes he could get out of the whole thing but feels unable to.

He said: “I just want to be nice. Is that so wrong?

“At first I guess I liked her whole no-nonsense approach but as time went by she became so controlling. I couldn’t get close to anyone without her being there, hanging over us.

“I’d be like ‘Hey, over here everyone’ and she’s immediately ‘yeah you’d better get over there if you don’t want me to get angry’ while pushing me further away. I suppose she thinks she’s helping, but everyone’s just scared of her.

“There’s a lot to be said for ‘just carrot’ I’ve always thought. Don’t let her hear me say that.”