Psychological tests, a 8,000-word essay and your first-born child: what job interviews demand these days

A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand: 

Cover letter

Not new, but regardless a hated first step in any application process. It’s self-explanatory that you want the job or you wouldn’t be applying, but you’re required to politely spell it out for them even though the only reasonable cover letter reads: ‘Dear Sir, ignore this and read my CV’.

Application form

You will be required to submit a fully complete, flawless CV. And then you will be required to transcribe the entire thing into stupid little boxes for an application form. It’ll only take two-three hours, or twice that if the janky online employment portal crashes. Then in the interview they’ll say ‘tell us about your background’ because they have not read it.

A preliminary interview

Why not suit up, head to our office, do your research on the company, memorise several answers about your previous experience, take a day’s leave from your current job and sit through an entire interview that doesn’t actually count?

A psychometric test

Employers now attempt to root out psychos with detailed personality tests. What they get are people who are willing to randomly click through psychometric tests while watching Love Island.

An 8,000 word essay

There’s no better way of testing applicants’ committment than asking them to write a university dissertation about a minor aspect of the business. And there’s nothing more useless than a dissertation written by someone who doesn’t even work in your business, so it goes straight in the bin.

The proper interview

The hiring managers couldn’t possibly waste their precious time attending every interview. So they waste yours instead, making you come back and say the same shit with a different set of hoops to leap through. Now shut up and tell us what your superpower would be.

Your first-born child

Down as ‘optional’ on the application, but you need to know it will reflect badly on you if you don’t sign the release.

Never contacting you again

After all of the bullshit above, the final, most fiendish test of the recruitment process comes in the form of disappearing like a piss off a skyscraper. Three months later you get a generic rejection email three months later that doesn’t even address you by name. They hired an internal candidate.

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The six stages of every Boris Johnson scandal

THE scandal over the wildly gropey deputy chief whip continues along entirely predictable lines today. Here’s how they all unfold: 

Stage one

The scandal is exposed. The government declares that it has taken action by writing a letter expressing mild disapproval, a line has been drawn, lessons learned, and it is time to move on.

Stage two

The scandal is discovered to be worse than originally claimed. The government is forced to take actual action, which it ensures is as lenient and ineffective as possible. The public is invited to sympathise with the perpetrator. A line has been drawn, lessons learned, and it is time to move on.

Stage three 

Rising public anger – initially blamed on those few media outlets not following direct Tory orders – forces the action which should have been taken at stage one. The obvious lie that Boris Johnson was entirely ignorant of the serious crimes committed by his friend and employee is repeated. Line drawn, lessons learned, move on.

Stage four

Public anger continues. Several witnesses come forward, saying Boris Johnson definitely knew about the whole thing and didn’t give a shit, in fact joked about it. The original perpetrator is forced to fall on their sword in a vain attempt to take the heat off as they could have done at the start. Line learned, move lessons, draw on.

Stage five

A cabinet minister who is only in their position because they will suffer any humiliation is sent round breakfast news to repeat that Johnson knew nothing. While they are on air, incontrovertible proof is released that Johnson was fully aware throughout and in fact encouraged it. Minister continues pathetic, broken denials regardless.

Stage six

The government’s lies are fully exposed and traced back to the prime minister. A civil servant who has moral standards resigns. A by-election in which the Tories will lose a seat that has been safe since 1821 looms. The Conservatives do nothing to get rid of Boris Johnson, because he is a proven vote-winner.