Retired builder spends an hour doing f**k all for old times' sake

A RETIRED builder is reliving the days when he used to have a job by sitting on his jacksie doing sod all, he has confirmed. 

Roy Hobbs admits he has found retirement hard to cope with because he has nowhere to go and nothing to do, as opposed to his working days when he would go to someone else’s house and do nothing there.

He said: “Of course I didn’t always go. Sometimes I couldn’t be arsed.

“But I didn’t realise quite how much of my life was geared around the deliberate avoidance of work. Without that there I don’t feel like I’ve got any purpose.

“So I was delighted when my sister-in-law asked me to help out with her extension. I was round there at 7am dumping my cement mixer in her garden, and back in bed by 9am.

“I’m round here five afternoons a week, sitting on a milk crate, drinking endless cups of tea, smoking roll-ups and listening to Steve Wright.

“I haven’t done so much as put one brick on top of another. It’s been glorious.”

Wife Yvonne Hobbs said: “It’s given him a new lease of life. When he comes home at night, he’s really loving doing fuck all again.”

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Hungover beat Still Pissed in Sunday league game

HUNGOVER has narrowly beaten Still Pissed From Last Night in a hotly contested Sunday league football game. 

Hungover AFC, who often had only nine men on the field due to players vomiting, were initially expected to lose heavily because their keeper was sitting against a goalpost pinching the bridge of his nose.

However, an overconfident Still Pissed gave away an early lead twice because their striker was unable to remember which goal was which and scored two ‘storming’ own goals.

Spectator Joe Turner said: “By half-time Hungover were a goal up and washing down Nik Naks with Lucozade to quell their churning guts, while Still Pissed were all smoking while telling each other they’d given up but they always want one after a drink.

“In the second half Still Pissed began to lose players to fatigue, the local Wetherspoons and punch-ups with the crowd, while Hungover pulled themselves together after realising that after this they could lie down in the back of the car.

“It ended 9-4 to Hungover, though some of Still Pissed thought they’d won regardless. There should’ve been red cards, but the referee had been up all night on MDMA so was just hugging everybody instead.”