Six bloody confusing things about working in an office, by Prince Harry

WELL, I’ve gone and got a proper job. Sort of. But no one warned me working in an office would be such a minefield. Here’s what I’m learning: 

It’s a bit like the Army stroke prison

You’re not actually in a cell, but you spend at least seven hours a day sitting in the same spot. You’re allowed to walk around, but only for short periods. Looking back, I’m glad I never got captured by the Taliban. Seems a ballache.

There’s bizarre sexual behaviour

Certain co-workers are clearly attracted to others. But instead of just going at it like the lads used to in Khandahar province, they hover pathetically around desks trying to impress each other with shit jokes and leftover donuts, which I doubt would have won Meghan’s heart.

Banter’s not really up to military standard

Office workers claim to love banter. Being skilled in ‘bantz’ from my army days, I attempted to bond with a co-worker by mocking him with a term that is apparently racially offensive.  Now I have to go on a diversity course. It’s possible Piers Morgan had a point.

You have to be there even if you’ve got bugger all to do

People quite often seem not to be working, just snacking or f**king around on Facebook. This strikes me as a massive waste of time, and I’ve sat through the Royal Variety Performance. Trying to persuade Meg to start a global campaign to set office workers free at 3pm.

Group toilets

Makes sense for everyone in offices to have their own toilet, because listening to someone windily excreting two feet away is unpleasant and puts you right off your office lunch. Which apparently is always a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich with horrible mayonnaise, like the food served when you officially open a leisure centre in Oxford.

Bloody meetings

My understanding is: you’re invited to a discussion of something you’ve not been briefed about, various twats drone on to try and impress people, then your boss does exactly what they’d planned in the first place. And they say the Royal Family is pointless.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Census to be redone after leaving out question on what you call a bread roll

THE 2021 census is to be recalled after leaving out the crucial question on what you and members of your household call a bread roll.

Along with questions related to ethnicity, sexuality and gender, the government collects this vital piece of information to ensure that local councils receive appropriate funding for infrastructure and services.

A spokesman for the Office for National Statistics said: “‘Bread roll’ areas receive significantly more government funding than ‘bap’, ‘cob’ and ‘barm cake’ regions, simply because those are mad things to call what is quite obviously a bread roll.

“It is an unconscionable error to leave the question out. Britain has been answering this going all the way back to the Domesday Book in 1086.

“Perhaps the compilers were anxious to avoid another violent uprising over the order in which the options were listed, as happened in the muffin riots of 2011.

“But it’s a crucial way of tracking social mobility and increased diversity. The idea of a ‘cob’ man marrying a ‘teacake’ woman was unheard of just ten years ago.

“In any case, we hope people won’t mind filling out a lengthy and intrusive survey again so we can collect this important piece of information.”