Six answers you're really tempted to give in your shitty work appraisal

HAVING an appraisal with your boss? Try to avoid the temptation to roll out one of these responses to their stupid f**king questions.

What do I find most challenging?

Having to answer to a twat like you. I’m pretty sure you’re at least twenty years younger than me, and yet you’ve floated to a higher position, presumably because you’re not ashamed to be an obsequious arse licker to the bigger bosses. Honestly, it’s like being line managed by Hermione bloody Granger.

Where do I see myself in 12 months?

Doing another one of these f**king appraisals. I hate this job but, given all the shit that’s going on with the cost of living crisis, it feels too risky to quit. So in a year’s time I’ll still be here, but I’ll hate you even more. Although you’ll probably have been promoted by then, because you’re obsessed with your ‘career path’, you boring little bastard.

My greatest strength?

Patience. I can work alongside arseholes without losing it and putting my fist through a flatscreen monitor. Like Susan in accounts who seems unable to count past ten or Martin in IT whose only solution to my computer crashing again is to tell me to ‘Google it’. I’m basically Mother Theresa, if she’d worked in a logistics company on a trading estate in Woking.

What have I achieved since my last review?

Hmm, well, I learned how to work the complicated coffee machine in the staff kitchen, which means I can waste an extra five minutes making a cappuccino instead of using instant. And I’ve snaffled so much contraband stationery from the company that I’ve got a nice sideline on eBay. I’m nothing if not entrepreneurial.

Any chance of a pay rise?

You’re obviously going to say no, citing the current economic challenges the country is facing, but it makes me feel better to let loose and go on a rant about how I’d be willing to work harder if you paid you more. I’m fully aware that in a fortnight I’ll be quietly made redundant and replaced by some fresh-faced university graduate who’s willing to work twice as hard for ten grand less.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man's favourite sexual position is whatever he can get

A MAN’S preferred sexual position is any form of intimate physical contact that happens to come his way, it has emerged.

Due to his poor pulling skills, Tom Booker’s sexual tastes have always been whatever a female partner was planning to do anyway, but he is less picky now – if that is possible – after a two-year dry spell.

He said: “My mates keep going on about the nuances between cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. That’s when they’re not writing off missionary for being too vanilla. The ungrateful twats.

“Meanwhile I can only dream of getting my genitals so much as grazed by a consenting adult. If they’re growing tired of shacking up with their long-term partners night after night, I’m happy to swap places. Let’s see how long they last.

“There’s nothing I’d turn down at the minute. I’d even take a handjob through a hole in a sheet like Orthodox religious people do. It wouldn’t take very long either. Like I said, two years. Two very long sexless years.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Tom talks a good game but I suspect he’s bullshitting. If his only option was to go down on a woman, he’d make his excuses and leave.”