Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business

READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.

The Bad Listener

Despite having sat through the same presentation as all the rest of you, this moron has managed to mishear, misunderstand and misinterpret every last word of it. Watch her ask for clarification on every point, even when it’s about something that has nothing to do with her or her department.

The Boaster

Not to keep anyone from their coffee or the work that urgently needs doing, but this twat needs to tell everyone about something mildly impressive that they did last week, which they think merits a standing ovation. Who knew that changing the font on order forms would up consumer satisfaction 2%? Who gives a toss?

The Shit-Stirrer

Remember that email someone sent round weeks ago that pissed off everyone in Accounts? Well, would you believe it, this pain in the arse thinks now is the right time to bring it up again, and give everyone the opportunity to air their grievances in such a way that this meeting now cuts into your lunch hour. Prick.

The Philosopher

Speaking of things that are irrelevant, would anyone like to hear a ten-minute monologue about how to approach client servicing? This pompous wanker thinks so, and he will turn his own ‘quick question’ into a meandering, incoherent treatise that motivates no one and, incidentally, will prevent actual f**king work getting done.

The Arse Licker

This brown-nosing little shit wants to thank the boss for their amazing skill at chairing the meeting, and express their gratitude for the valuable new insights they have gained into the machinations of the company. They are angling for a promotion, but they aren’t going to get one for extending this monotonous nightmare, however far they stick their tongue up their line manager’s sphincter.

The Reasonable Contributor

Yes, of course, it actually does make perfect sense for this person to raise this point now. And really, yes, it is important that you do get to the bottom of this before you carry on with the rest of your day. But fundamentally, you need a piss. So that means they’re getting lumped in with all the other arseholes, too. Just send an email instead, you wanker.

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Decision to dump boyfriend made by committee

A WOMAN has consulted her female friends and relatives so that they can collectively decide wether or not she should dump her boyfriend.

Lucy Parry summoned them all to a specially created WhatsApp group called ‘Ditch Tom?’ and surveyed their thoughtful responses of ‘Dump him, babe’, ‘You deserve better, hun’ and thumbs up emojis.

Parry said: “Some of the initial reactions were a bit random, like inspirational quotes screenshotted from Instagram saying ‘You can only love someone else if you love yourself first’. The type of unhelpful bollocks that I immediately disregarded.

“Then there were negative reactions, such as ‘You’re 32 now, if you’re not careful you’ll end up a dried up old spinster left on the shelf’. Thanks for that one, Mum.

“But aside from her, the results were so overwhelmingly in favour that I have no choice but to break up with Tom. I’m not even sure I want to, but the girls have already started drafting a message accusing him of being an ’emotionally toxic selfish prick with a bald spot’ so I guess I’m committed now.”

Upon receiving the text dumping him, Tom Logan shared it in a WhatsApp group named ‘The Lads’, where he asked his friends to agree with him that Parry was ‘mental’.