Six ways to outsource your job to your children

YOU’RE working from home and the kids are learning from home, so why not get your kids to do your job for you?  

Maths

Instead of slaving through the weekly Excel spreadsheet data input yourself, sit back with your feet up while they do it in the name of mathematics. Today’s lesson is making all the figures in each row and column match the totals before 12.30pm so Trevor in accounts doesn’t throw a shit fit.

English comprehension and composition

First, read and try and understand an email from the boss about the company’s 2021 values statement, then try to be among the first to reply positively while avoiding any kind of commitment to becoming an unpaid internal values ambassador. Real-world skills.

Advanced maths

For a real challenge, why not attempt to claim back perfectly legitimate expenses? Businesses make it as hard as possible to get the money you’re owed, so it will test the skills of even the most gifted prodigy to successfully be awarded £14.20 for coffees with a client last August.

Speed-reading

You get copied in on so many reports, at least half of which have nothing to do with you. Farm out all but the most important ones to your children to read, set a deadline, and get them to regurgitate all the key facts into a bullet-pointed summary. When they say ‘But mum, this is meaningless nonsense,’ they’ve learned the most important lesson of all.

Improvisational drama

Next Zoom meeting, turn your camera off and get your 14-year-old to pose as you, pretending they know what the meeting’s about, why they’re attending and what it hopes to achieve. Watch as they do surprisingly well because they’re used to doing exactly the same thing in their lessons.

IT

Online training sessions really get in the way of watching Tipping Point, with their requirements to click to continue and questions afterwards. And if you don’t get a high enough score you have to watch again as punishment. Tell kids it’s an IT lesson and watch them focus on racking up a high score then bragging about it on TikTok.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Key workers to be called low-skilled workers again by Easter

WORKERS in essential services will be downgraded from heroes to low-skilled by Easter if vaccinations continue at their current rate, it has been confirmed. 

Supermarket staff, care home workers, nurses, teachers, and delivery drivers will once again be unappreciated, undervalued and ignored by the British public.

Co-op worker Donna Sheridan said: “I can’t wait. Being shown a modicum of respect just underlined just how bad the situation was.

“Obviously we never got a penny more for putting our lives on the line, which was a great relief, but when that unspoken thanks in our customers’ eyes vanishes and they’re looking straight through us again, the world’s back to normal.

“Hopefully within the year the Tories will be cutting our in-work benefits to balance the books and this long nightmare of respect and gratitude will be over.”

Professor Chris Whitty said: “The moment you get your jab, the person doing it stops being a hero and starts being a low-paid worker you glare at for hurting your arm.

“They should really be better at it, all their years at medical school. The sooner we privatise the NHS the better. Next slide.”