Six ways your bastard co-workers steal your precious lunch break

YOUR lunch break is a golden hour of freedom from a long day as a corporate drone, except when the wankers you work with take it from you: 

By obsessing about cake

Cake’s pretty good. You enjoy eating it. You even occasionally watch Bake-Off. But sacrificing your whole lunch to fawn over a colleague’s lemon drizzle as if they’d gestated it for nine months? Waiting, spoon poised, hearing the bake story, making a Japanese tea ceremony seem rushed? But, yes, you’ll have a slice, a f**king big one. Thank you.

By having drama

They’ve spent the whole morning casually going about their work, but just as you take your first bite of a Coronation chicken baguette: ‘Everyone! I’ve got something to say’. Or worse, ‘I’m fine, it’s nothing’. Before you know it you’ve lost an hour of your life consoling some idiot dumped by the bastard she’ll be back in love with at tomorrow’s lunch break.

By organising something

Birthday drinks, or a leaving do, or any f**king excuse for the self-appointed organiser to get their spreadsheet out. Pounces at lunch when you’re vulnerable, no excuse is good enough, and you arrive back at your desk signed-up, suffering indigestion and a tenner down.

By still working

Breaks are necessary and legally mandated, but your colleague doesn’t see it that way and insists on talking shop. She waits until you’re two mouthfuls into your chilli pasta and one page into your book before sliding over with a request to update ROI figures and can you do it immediately? Adding she’s doing you a favour by not bringing it up in a meeting.

By treating you to a slideshow

You only asked how his holiday was out of politeness. Now you’re watching shaky videos of him wobbling atop a camel and slaughtering a Steps track at the all-inclusive karaoke. Oblivious to your consuming a burrito in tiny bites to leave time for positive affirmations, he goes on to treat you to uncensored pictures from Darryl’s stag do.

By getting the lunch order wrong

A prawn sandwich is not tuna mayo. Seabrook’s salt and vinegar crisps are objectively superior to Walker’s. Why did you delegate the most important task of the day to the least competent member of staff? The entire afternoon’s ruined now. No work can possibly be done.

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Ten-year-old England fan already knocking back pre-game Ribena

A YOUNG England fan excited for tonight’s game is already hitting the Ribena way harder than usual.

Primary school attendee Jack Browne admitted he woke up nervous and sank three tall glasses of water diluted with blackcurrant concentrate before even leaving for school, just to quell the shakes.

Browne said: “It’s the good shit, too. Double strength.

“I started with a couple of lowballs of apple juice with my Curiously Cinnamon, but they weren’t touching the anxiety. So when mum went upstairs to put her face on I cracked open the hard stuff. Nothing like artificial sweeteners before a big match.

“If I pace myself then my sugar high should last through the whole school day. Blagging my way through maths with a head swimming with E numbers will be tough, but the thought of staying up until 10pm will spur me on. Well 11pm let’s face it, no way they’ll win in 90 minutes.

“Got to be careful not to mix my drinks. I’ve started with Ribena and that’s what I need to stick to. If I switch to Capri-Sun I’m only going to be paying the price tomorrow.

“Of course if it goes to penalties I’ll be doing my Ribena neat straight from the f**king bottle.”