LOOKING to waste as much time as possible during your 9-5? Try these tips:
Forcing yourself to drink a gallon of water a day is a great way to skive. What with your bladder working overtime, you’ll barely be at your desk. Plus, having to constantly pop to the kitchen, there’s the chance Janet from accounts will chat to you about her kids for 20 minutes, which is – just about – preferable to actually working.
Developing a nicotine dependency is a surefire way of taking hours out of your working week. Thanks to tobacco somehow being one of the few substance addictions acceptable in a professional setting, you’ll be the one laughing as you stand shivering in the rain huffing on a Marlboro or vape while your emails go unanswered.
Pop to the shops
While regularly leaving the office runs the risk of drawing attention to your work-dodging, your colleague’s silence can be easily bought. Bringing back a multipack of Kit-Kats will have you hailed as a hero, and HR will be none the wiser to the fact that it somehow took you 40 minutes to go to the Spar next door.
Fake mysterious bowel problems
If you’re comfortable with speculation about possible bowel issues, there’s no limit to the amount of time-wasting you can get away with. Thankfully, most people will be too awkward to ask about your dozens of toilet trips a day, so be sure to pat your belly and roll your eyes apologetically every time you walk past their desk.
Become a social media executive
If you workplace is yet to harness the power of the socials, position yourself as an expert and persuade your bosses to give you a new role. You can spend the rest of your work life merrily pissing around on Instagram and Facebook and bamboozle your employers with phrases like ‘media sales funnel’ if they ask what you’re doing.