Smoke breaks, and four other ways to piss away time during your working day

LOOKING to waste as much time as possible during your 9-5? Try these tips:

Water trips

Forcing yourself to drink a gallon of water a day is a great way to skive. What with your bladder working overtime, you’ll barely be at your desk. Plus, having to constantly pop to the kitchen, there’s the chance Janet from accounts will chat to you about her kids for 20 minutes, which is – just about – preferable to actually working.

Smoke breaks

Developing a nicotine dependency is a surefire way of taking hours out of your working week. Thanks to tobacco somehow being one of the few substance addictions acceptable in a professional setting, you’ll be the one laughing as you stand shivering in the rain huffing on a Marlboro or vape while your emails go unanswered.

Pop to the shops

While regularly leaving the office runs the risk of drawing attention to your work-dodging, your colleague’s silence can be easily bought. Bringing back a multipack of Kit-Kats will have you hailed as a hero, and HR will be none the wiser to the fact that it somehow took you 40 minutes to go to the Spar next door.

Fake mysterious bowel problems

If you’re comfortable with speculation about possible bowel issues, there’s no limit to the amount of time-wasting you can get away with. Thankfully, most people will be too awkward to ask about your dozens of toilet trips a day, so be sure to pat your belly and roll your eyes apologetically every time you walk past their desk.

Become a social media executive

If you workplace is yet to harness the power of the socials, position yourself as an expert and persuade your bosses to give you a new role. You can spend the rest of your work life merrily pissing around on Instagram and Facebook and bamboozle your employers with phrases like ‘media sales funnel’ if they ask what you’re doing.

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Wasps such pricks due to low self-esteem

WASPS are nasty little bastards because they suffer from low self-esteem and confidence, experts have confirmed.

New research has found that the unpleasant stripy twats would not spend their time harassing picnics and needlessly stinging people if they had been loved more as larvae.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Wasps suffer from low mood and feelings of inadequacy, which causes them to lash out at others, often in the form of hanging around pub gardens ruining your lunchtime pint.

“While they may appear to be aggressive, vindictive little shits who simply want to ruin your day for no reason, wasps are actually struggling with feelings of worthlessness which manifest as expressions of anger.

“So the next time a wasp hides in your shoe and ruins your entire day by leaving you limping after a nasty sting, it’s important to remember that they are only doing it for attention and need a cuddle, rather than being smashed to a pulp with a slipper.”

Wasp Nikki Hollis said. “Nah, he’s talking shit. I’m just innately awful.”