Southern Rail user thought they were already on strike

A MAN who uses Southern Rail trains assumed its workers were already on strike, he has revealed.

Horsham resident Martin Bishop was confused to hear that staff are still only threatening to down tools because he cannot recall when he last caught a Southern Rail train that ran on time.

Bishop said: “When I saw the headlines about industrial action I thought I must have missed something. Southern Rail has been plagued with major disruptions for as long as I can remember, which I assumed were deliberate.

“I thought they were just doing a thorough job of striking. Trains would consistently run hours late or get cancelled altogether at the last minute, and the dour-faced staff appeared to be working under protest.

“It got to the point where if a train trundled into the station roughly on time I started to worry. I’d assume it was a trap, and once I got on board they would take me hostage and use me as a bargaining chip for something.”

A Southern Rail spokesperson said: “We’ve set the bar so low we’ve got nowhere to go. We could let a bunch of monkeys on crack run things for a bit and nobody would notice a difference. In fact we’d probably hit more of our targets.”

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How to defend an absolute twat of a man

HAVE you been called upon, in your professional life, to defend the indefensible actions of a total twat? Tory MP Julian Cook explains how.

Hello there. Perhaps you’ve required, as part of your job, to stand up and pretend that the actions of an irredeemable arsehole are absolutely fine. Perhaps it’s a husband or family member who is so much of a dick you can hardly stand it.

When the moment to abase yourself arrives, first stand before a mirror and remove the expression of involuntary disgust from your face. Such grimaces are persistent so may require manual reshaping with the fingers.

Enter the room where your defence is to take place, and begin. Contrive at first not to mention the offence, as if the shit-flinging chimp behind you is barely worth noticing.

When challenged, as you will be, give a little chuckle at the roguish antics of a flagrant bellend. Then, humour established, move straight to your laughable excuse.

Deliver the supposed reasons why the actions – whether infidelity, spending money that is not theirs, lawbreaking or in this case all three – are in fact fine. Keep a straight face throughout, though both you and your interlocutor know this is horseshit.

Respond to all further questions, all of which expose your defence as atrocious bollocks, by repeating the same defence. Try not to allow your abject humiliation to show.

Finally, sternly bring up an unrelated but serious matter to suggest your questioner is frivolous for not discussing this. Act like this is a win. Leave, and have a little weep about how low you’ve sunk. Then do it again.