'Will Union Jack bunting lead to the rise of fascism?' The Guardian reader's guide to the Jubilee

ARE you a Guardian reader unsure whether you should celebrate the Jubilee? Here’s how to enjoy this outdated patriotic event in an inclusive, ethical and non-nationalistic way.

What is it ethical to eat at a Jubilee gathering?

Coronation chicken is out due to cultural appropriation of curry. Avoid Victoria sponge because of the era’s hypocritical attitude to sex workers. And Pimm’s is nice but has elitist undertones. Have a cheese sandwich and a glass of water instead.   

Surely the Royal Family is inextricably linked to imperialism? 

Yes. If there’s a street party, wait until everyone is tipsy and enjoying themselves then remind them of shameful acts of brutality by the British Empire like the Amritsar Massacre, pointing out that the Queen may as well have been blasting away with a Lee-Enfield herself.  

Will putting up Union Jack bunting encourage fascism?

You can’t be too careful. Too many patriotic symbols and before you know it everyone could be stomping around in boots, braces and swastika tattoos like the National Front. If you intend to put up bunting, make it the LGBT+ rainbow design, like the tiresomely predictable Guardian reader you are.

Make the TV coverage socially aware

The BBC will focus on pageantry with Huw Edwards droning on like a pompous garden gnome. Have a series of depressing ‘social history’ clips ready to splice into the coverage, eg. a downtrodden mother pushing a pram in a filthy Manchester slum to show what life was like for the working classes in the 1950s. Guests will welcome you raising their awareness on this happy day.

Should I be celebrating the unelected monarchy at all?

Actually yes, because like the Guardian itself you can drone on about progressive values while actually being very middle class and conformist. Say things like ‘They had the right idea with Charles I’ then minutes later enthusiastically join in a drunken toast of ‘God bless you, ma’am’.

Any disco must celebrate diversity 

Some people will just want obvious party choices like Abba. Obviously they are too white and heterosexual so make guests dance to a selection of bhangra, UK garage, Bronski Beat, drill and the Tom Robinson Band’s ‘Glad to be Gay’. Try to avoid getting shitfaced and playing The Dam Busters theme repeatedly, even if it rocks.

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Ofgem asked what the f**k?

WITH energy bills expected to rise by £800 to a price cap of £2,800 in October, Ofgem have been asked what the actual f**k?

Worried Britons already struggling with the cost of living crisis would like the energy regulator to tell them where the shitting Christ they are meant to find the best part of another grand.

Helen Archer, from Swindon, said: “I mean, what more can be said than ‘What the bloody f**k, you total f**kers?’

“Energy bills have already gone up by an average £700 this year. Where am I meant to find another £800? Pull it out of my arse? Because that’s pretty much the only solution I can come up with.

“Privatisation was meant to provide us with cheap, competitively-priced energy. That would definitely happen, so you’d think there wouldn’t be much justification for fleecing us for several hundred more quid. Apart from naked greed on the part of shareholders, obviously.

“So again, as regulators of the UK’s gas and electricity markets, Ofgem, I would like to ask you: what the f**king bastarding f**k?”

An Ofgem spokesman said: “It’s a reasonable question. And the answer is, we don’t know. All I can suggest is stop using your heating, lighting, computer, oven and TV.”