Team-building day unites staff in hatred of team leader

A COMPANY team-building day has bonded a team in mutual hostility toward their kn*bhead of a team leader, they have confirmed. 

The communications team at Harwood Finance are closer than ever after the day of outdoor activities in the Cotswolds and have a new determination to make the life of team leader Susan Traherne a misery.

Stephen Malley said: “In many ways it was like a terrorist training camp in the mountains of Afghanistan. Every bullsh*t activity radicalised us further.

“I’d never really talked to half the people there, but by the end of our first group abseil it was clear that like me they hated group bonding events, despised the company and blamed Susan for everything.

“It was amazing to see the spirit of fellowship it inspired to know that each and every one of us was getting through that rainstorm by focusing on how much we despised her and how one day we’d have our revenge.

“By the time we said goodbye we were brothers, all ready to lay down our lives for the cause of ruining Susan’s life. It was a great success.”

Susan Traherne said: “I’m fairly sure I’ve overheard some very ambitious plans to frame me for embezzlement that would require them to really pull together and work as a team. So proud.”

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Five ways to avoid talking to parents at the school gate

DO YOU dread the school run in case you have to talk to the awful parents hanging around the school gate? Here’s how to dodge them: 

Be late every day

The perfect excuse to push through the gossiping crowds, turning up just as the teachers are locking the doors means no forced chats about whose eight-year-old is the highest achiever. Okay, you’ll have to sign the late book, but ‘because I’m an anti-social bastard’ is a perfectly valid reason for tardiness.

Become an outcast

Convince the other parents you’re a psychopath and they’ll avoid you at all costs. Carry a couple of dead squirrels hanging from your belt, say you don’t give a f**k about the SATs or simply admit you voted Leave and you’ll have a nice clearance zone around you until that sweet whistle blows.

Suit up

Wear business clothing and look like you’ve got somewhere really important to be. That way when you brush all attempts to engage on the subject of lost school ties aside, everyone will assume you’ve got a key meeting, not that you’re rushing home to watch Judge Rinder with tea and toast.

Screen time

Stare at your mobile phone continuously. If anyone tries to talk to you tell them to put it on the Parents WhatsApp group, which you’re not a member of. This also ensures you’re leading by example and teaching your children how to have a healthy social life in 2019.

Join the PTA

Everybody wants to moan about the quality of their children’s education, but nobody actually wants to sacrifice a weekday evening to doing something about it. Joining the PTA will make everyone terrified to talk to you in case you trick them into running the tombola at the Christmas Fayre. They’ll never bother you again.