The five and only five emails people send in office jobs

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

‘Have you updated the spreadsheet?’

Office jobs mainly involve updating spreadsheets and asking colleagues if they have updated the spreadsheet. Which spreadsheet and what needs to be updated is never specified, it’s just a great way to look generically productive until lunch or a bathroom break. To spice things up this email might occasionally include the word ‘urgent’ in all-caps, even though no spreadsheet in history has ever been important.

‘Meeting reminder’

Everyone on the team knows there is a meeting in room 12 on the second floor at 2pm because the manager has been building up to it for months. This reminder will be sent five minutes beforehand when you are visibly getting together everything you need for the meeting and telling colleagues you’ll see them in there. Invariably, the meeting will achieve nothing.

‘Please remove me from this email chain’

This email sounds polite enough, but in reality it is being hammered out with white-hot rage. All the sender wants is to be removed from an irrelevant email chain they have been mistakenly added to and would take two minutes to fix. But no, here they are once again begging for sweet release while also calculating how long they could pay their rent if they quit right now.


Traditionally sent five minutes before lunch or the end of play to the handful of cool colleagues in an office. Even though the email consists of the word ‘Pub?’ in the subject line and nothing else, more care is taken over this message than any other workplace communication. Accidentally CC in the manager or anyone from HR and the whole experience is ruined for everyone.

‘I am out of office for the week’

The easiest and most satisfying email to send. While office workers take their annual leave in France, their trusty ‘out of office’ message eagerly informs people to redirect their concerns to some unfortunate co-worker. Sometimes holidaying drones might even quickly log in to see that it’s been sent and bask in its work-dodging glow. It’s the best part of the whole trip.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hoovers, postmen and oddly-shaped rocks: The terrible dangers I protect you from by barking, by your dog

IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats I keep at bay every single day.    


I don’t really know what a hoover is. Maybe it’s a creature of some kind, possibly a cyborg. All I know for certain is that it’s f**king evil. And yet, inexplicably, you let this monster live in our home. Worse still, every week or so you take him out and give it the house tour – all while it emits a deafening wail. If I wasn’t around to keep it in check there’s no telling what this sick bastard would do.  


I just don’t understand this guy. Every time I see him I insist he keeps away from our property, and yet every few mornings he shows up again to slip more mystery objects through the letterbox. I can only assume he’s trying to get inside and kill us all. Okay, I admit I quite enjoy eating some of the things he slides through the door – but that doesn’t mean he has the right to do it.

Oddly-shaped rocks

Sometimes a rock just doesn’t look right. And on those occasions it’s incredibly important to bark and whine at the rock for several minutes to ensure it doesn’t do anything untoward. You’re certainly not about to do that – so it’s up to old muggins here to save the day yet again.

Large bags of shopping

One of the things that scares us dogs more than anything is the unknown. So every time I see you stroll into the house holding a bag heaving with stuff, I assume the worst. I mean, what the f**k’s in there? Snakes? Fire? A dozen XL Bullies? If it isn’t some kind of gift for me, then get it the hell out of here.

That dog that lives in the mirror

There’s something about that prick in the mirror that just doesn’t sit right. He looks exactly like me, he’s completely odourless, and his fur is weirdly smooth and cold. I’ve decided he means to cause us harm. The trouble is, this guy gives as good as he gets. Every time I try to see him off with a few barks, he stands his ground and barks right back at me.


Yes, they’re bigger than me, faster than me and they weigh about 15 tonnes more than me. But don’t think I won’t f**k up a lorry if I have to. I’d do anything for this family. Think about that the next time you can’t be arsed to go on a 15-minute walk with me.  

Your mate Terry

Look, I just don’t f**king like your mate Terry, alright? I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s his hair or that big coat he wears. Either way, I don’t trust him and I think you should keep the f**k away from him.


Every so often I’ll stare into empty space and bark like a lunatic. At least that’s what it looks like to you. For your own peace of mind, it’s probably best I don’t go into too much detail about what’s going on here. But rest assured, you’d be in a whole heap of trouble if I wasn’t around. Maybe you could show some gratitude every once in a while by giving me a bit of your dinner.