Seven ways the inevitable OJ Simpson TV drama will be terrible

THERE is not a cat in hell’s chance that the death of OJ Simpson won’t result in a rubbish TV drama. And if recent efforts like Netflix’s Scoop are anything to go by, this is what it will be like:

Massively up its own arse

Scoop could not stop telling you how bloody important the Andrew interview was, although mainly it just confirmed he is a pompous, shifty arsehole. Hold the front page. The OJ drama will also pretend it’s incredibly important, which it won’t be, unless it can bring OJ back to life and get the murdering bastard convicted this time.

On-the-nose dialogue

Real-life dramas are popular with morons because they already live in reality, whereas Narnia or Airstrip One are a lot to take in. Dialogue should remove any risk of being confused by what’s happening or how you should feel, eg. ‘We thought he was an American hero, but he had a dark side and killed a beautiful young woman with her whole life ahead of her.’

It tells you absolutely nothing new

A technique pioneered by The Crown. While promising insider knowledge of the Royals, it just dramatised events everyone already knew about, exactly as they were reported in the press. The OJ drama should follow this template, so viewers are treated to revelations like: OJ was good at American football; he probably lied about not murdering his wife; he is no longer alive.

It is surprisingly boring

With two gruesome murders, the big-money world of the NFL, a world-famous police chase, a courtroom drama, an armed robbery and kidnapping in a hotel and OJ behind bars, it’ll be impossible for this to be boring, right? Er, not if you’ve seen it all before, which you have.

Features a reality-breaking famous character  

Real-life dramas must include at least one real famous person played by an actor who looks nothing like them and is just hugely distracting. So in OJ’s story it could be Leslie Nielsen on the set of The Naked Gun 2½, played by Mark Wahlberg in a really strange wig.  

A confusing choice of narrative perspective

Scoop focused on the guest booker for Newsnight, Sam McAlister, which was odd because viewers were more interested in the question: ‘So is he a nonce?’ Similarly, the OJ drama should present the story from the perspective of a female TV journalist covering his trials while struggling to maintain a work/life balance. This will provide plenty of opportunities to point out how f**king important the media is, which media people will like. 

A sickeningly insincere postscript

As this massive waste of everyone’s time ends and the screen fades to black, these words will appear: ‘Dedicated to Nicole Brown Simpson.’ No it’s not. It’s dedicated to making money. And maybe you should have left off the ‘Simpson’, what with the whole ‘being murdered by him’ thing.

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