The sordid details of your sex life: Things you'll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

The sordid details of your sex life

It might feel good when you’re six pints deep to talk about how little you’re getting or that bizarre thing your partner gets turned on by, but be warned: once you’re sober you’ll realise you’ve just handed your friends a motherlode of kompromat. Now they can use it as leverage when they need help moving house or paying off their gambling debts.

Who you’ve got a crush on

Your friends won’t give a shit about which celebrity you secretly pine after, although George Galloway is admittedly a bit of an odd one. But they are interested if you have eyes for a co-worker or a mutual friend from your school days – basically anyone they can text from the pub and let them know. Your frantic reaction will be the highlight of the evening. Even a casual comment about someone they don’t know will lead to questions like ‘Have you got anywhere with Julia yet?’ years after you’d forgotten she existed.

An overdue confession

It’s been playing on your mind for years that you were the one who accidentally dinged your friend’s car, but that was ages ago and they’re sloshed now so you’re safe to come clean, right? Wrong. Their anger has instantly sobered them up and they’ve whipped out their phone to send you a bill. Congratulations, your honesty has just added an extra £150 to your night out.

Which mutual friend really f**ks you off

Bitching about mates is a risky venture. It might look like everyone else also loathes Martin on the surface, but once you start ripping into him you’ll be politely informed that he’s going through a rough time at work and his dad just died. Try and backtrack all you want but the damage to your image has been done, you heartless bastard.

How much you love them

Some things are best left unsaid. While it’s be implied you’re somewhat fond of your friends because you keep hanging out with them, putting these feelings into excruciating words might cause them to cut ties with you. If you have to express your deep affection and respect, simply punch them on the arm and call them a dickhead, although even that’s borderline.

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Man living in fear his mates will discover his girlfriend's TikTok

A MAN is concerned that friends will find his girlfriend’s TikTok account containing lip-sync videos, unfunny reels, and dances she is unaware teenage boys are wanking to.

James Bates now deeply regrets encouraging Hannah Tomlinson’s amateurish, incredibly random videos which could be considered sexually stimulating by people desperate enough.

Bates said: “I thought her TikTok stuff was stupid but ultimately harmless. Then I realised people might actually watch them. If any of my mates find them I’m dead, roast city.

“I blame myself for being supportive. I should never have said her Spice Girls dance was ‘inspirational’. It was a lie anyway and now she’s done loads more that could easily be misused for sexual purposes. I’ve opened a Pandora’s box of thirst trap videos.

“As bad as the videos are, and believe me they are some of the cringiest things you will ever see, the real horror of this is that she keeps on making them. 

“By the time I’ve lived down the roasting I’ll get for the video where she dances to a Michael Jackson song to support Black Lives Matter, she’ll have uploaded another where she gyrates to different national anthems. People won’t be watching for the national anthems.”

Hannah Tomlinson said: “TikTok is where I go to express myself and ultimately forge a solid career based on short internet videos of me miming to music on my phone.

“I feel my creativity is at an all-time high since I made that video where I pole dance to the soundtracks of different Pixar movies.”