ONLY 20 per cent of workers have returned to the office since rules have relaxed. Which types of office oddball chose to go back?
The arse-licking try-hard freak
Despite their best efforts, these people found being a sycophantic toadying bellend around the boss harder on Zoom than they do in real life. They were the first person back in the office, desperate to impress their superiors by catching and spreading Covid.
The shit-stirring gossip freak
This person lives for a good session of dripping poisonous gossip into their colleagues’ ears whilst making a cup of tea, which is a tricky scenario to recreate in Microsoft Teams. They are already back in the office, hoovering up any potential scandals and politics, which are severely limited because the only other person there is the caretaker.
The being-a-boss-is-my-entire-identity freak
This type of freak is usually a bombastic bully who thinks being one person’s line manager makes them more powerful than God. Their ego was crushed by working from home and not being able to micromanage every second of their subordinate’s life, and they can’t wait to be an overbearing twat once again.
The enjoys-office-culture freak
Bizarrely, some people enjoy getting up in the morning and leaving their pleasant, comfortable home to sit in a room full of other workers quietly hating their lives. These are the type of lunatic who set up office fantasy football leagues, enjoy team building days and will have already started organising this year’s dismal work Christmas party.
The got-four-kids-at-home freak
It’s the having four kids rather than wanting to escape from them that makes this person strange, so it’s understandable that, after 18 months of trying to work from an ironing board in the garage, they are glad to be returning to the peaceful oasis of a bland, corporate office.