The five freaks who are voluntarily back in the office

ONLY 20 per cent of workers have returned to the office since rules have relaxed. Which types of office oddball chose to go back?

The arse-licking try-hard freak

Despite their best efforts, these people found being a sycophantic toadying bellend around the boss harder on Zoom than they do in real life. They were the first person back in the office, desperate to impress their superiors by catching and spreading Covid.

The shit-stirring gossip freak

This person lives for a good session of dripping poisonous gossip into their colleagues’ ears whilst making a cup of tea, which is a tricky scenario to recreate in Microsoft Teams. They are already back in the office, hoovering up any potential scandals and politics, which are severely limited because the only other person there is the caretaker.

The being-a-boss-is-my-entire-identity freak

This type of freak is usually a bombastic bully who thinks being one person’s line manager makes them more powerful than God. Their ego was crushed by working from home and not being able to micromanage every second of their subordinate’s life, and they can’t wait to be an overbearing twat once again.

The enjoys-office-culture freak

Bizarrely, some people enjoy getting up in the morning and leaving their pleasant, comfortable home to sit in a room full of other workers quietly hating their lives. These are the type of lunatic who set up office fantasy football leagues, enjoy team building days and will have already started organising this year’s dismal work Christmas party.

The got-four-kids-at-home freak

It’s the having four kids rather than wanting to escape from them that makes this person strange, so it’s understandable that, after 18 months of trying to work from an ironing board in the garage, they are glad to be returning to the peaceful oasis of a bland, corporate office.

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Recycling and other tasks middle aged men somehow become obsessed with

THERE seems to be a switch that is flipped in the minds of many men once they hit middle age that causes them to fixate on certain household chores. Like these:

The lawn

In their mid-40s, suburban males will become engaged in a futile struggle for dominance over their lawn. They’ll start endlessly mowing and vainly attempting to cover over brown patches while enviously peering at Tony next door’s lawn which is always a f**king pristine green carpet.

The recycling

For middle aged men, the recycling has nothing to do with the environment, it’s simply about control. Not following the council’s incredibly specific rules is a personal failing. Expect a full scale inquest reminiscent of the Nuremberg Trials if someone puts a bean can in without fully rinsing it. 

Cleaning the car

Middle age is when many people are able to afford a car that hasn’t had 17 previous owners with 100,000 miles on the clock. Now they finally own a vehicle that doesn’t resemble a motorised skip, some dads become obsessed with cleaning it regularly, displaying levels of diligence and concern almost entirely absent from their parenting.

Hoovering

James Dyson is to blame for turning vacuum cleaners into state-of-the-art, must-have gadgets for dads. A whole generation of fathers now spend their evenings brandishing cordless hoovers, imagining themselves to be Ghostbusters battling Gozer, when really they’re just hoovering up bits of crisps from the carpet. 

Stacking the dishwasher

Many men stack dishwashers as if they’ll be reviewed by the state. Rather than just chucking in all their dishes, they’ll stack plates in order of size, and arrange their cutlery by type. The thrill they get from an orderly dishwasher may be compensating for their diminishing sex life.