The five types of work meeting and what they really mean

THERE’S a meeting in your diary for this morning, but what kind of hell should you expect and should you even hope to survive? Find out: 

CEO update

This 30-minute slot has taken ten people six weeks, all trying to second-guess what the CEO wants to hear. There have been tears, sleepless nights and panicked last-minute updates to slide 47, but it’s ready. Until 15 minutes before it starts, when the CEO’s PA calls you to say the agenda is running late and could you cut it down to five minutes maximum?

Project review meeting

This meeting is not – it’s stated at the outset – going to be about pointing fingers or laying blame, it’s about identifying what you could all do better next time. Like not involving Donna who totally f**ked up the budget. That’s Donna, the one blinking back tears in the corner. It’s all her fault.

Catch-up with your line manager

Ominous. Could be anything from how your weekend went to why you haven’t made your sales targets. Get in there first with lavish praise for your boss’s empathy and people skills, so she can’t say anything without making herself look a dick. It’s a win-win.

Quick catch-up

Extremely ominous. Your boss is trying to play this meeting down, which means they are going to spring unpleasant news on you, such as either taking on more work or taking on a lot less work in the form of getting fired. Proceed with caution.

Quick coffee

The most ominous of all. Your boss has clearly heard about the unfortunate WFH wank during a Zoom meeting about procurement changes. You might as well flee the building before it happens clutching a catering pack of tea bags and as many reams of A4 as you can carry.

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Fan can't wait for political season to kick off

AN excited fan of British politics cannot wait for the season to officially kick off next week.

Tom Logan first got bitten by the politics bug during the 1997 election, and admits that as soon as August ends he is buzzing with excitement at the thought of the famous green benches filling up with key players.

He said: “Don’t get me wrong, I like having the summer off. Gives me a chance to think about something except politics for a change.

“But the thought that tomorrow they’ll all be filing in there, refreshed and ready for a thrilling autumn of bills, amendments and private motions, well there’s nothing like it. All that heritage and tradition providing a backdrop to our thoroughly modern game.

“I’m a Labour fan – they were winning everything when I was a kid – and I think Starmer needs more time to impress his style on the team, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s an early change of management.

“Meanwhile Boris has lost Hancock and made the controversial decision to bring back Javid. He’s been getting a strong performance from a squad of frankly limited talent but it’s going to fall apart sometime. Especially with these big clashes in Europe coming up.

“Prediction for the season? Narrow Tory win but then Boris will receive a big-money offer he can’t refuse and quit. After that it’s anyone’s game.”