THERE’S a meeting in your diary for this morning, but what kind of hell should you expect and should you even hope to survive? Find out:
CEO update
This 30-minute slot has taken ten people six weeks, all trying to second-guess what the CEO wants to hear. There have been tears, sleepless nights and panicked last-minute updates to slide 47, but it’s ready. Until 15 minutes before it starts, when the CEO’s PA calls you to say the agenda is running late and could you cut it down to five minutes maximum?
Project review meeting
This meeting is not – it’s stated at the outset – going to be about pointing fingers or laying blame, it’s about identifying what you could all do better next time. Like not involving Donna who totally f**ked up the budget. That’s Donna, the one blinking back tears in the corner. It’s all her fault.
Catch-up with your line manager
Ominous. Could be anything from how your weekend went to why you haven’t made your sales targets. Get in there first with lavish praise for your boss’s empathy and people skills, so she can’t say anything without making herself look a dick. It’s a win-win.
Quick catch-up
Extremely ominous. Your boss is trying to play this meeting down, which means they are going to spring unpleasant news on you, such as either taking on more work or taking on a lot less work in the form of getting fired. Proceed with caution.
Quick coffee
The most ominous of all. Your boss has clearly heard about the unfortunate WFH wank during a Zoom meeting about procurement changes. You might as well flee the building before it happens clutching a catering pack of tea bags and as many reams of A4 as you can carry.
