The office worker's guide to what the f**k 'an office' is

YOU’VE been ordered back to ‘the office’. So what is this strange place, and why are you here? 

Your desk

This is where you sit for seven-and-a-half hours every day. Yes, seven-and-a-half hours. Yes, five days a week. Yes, that is completely f**king mental when you have a laptop and the internet and can work anywhere. And people think face masks are instilling obedience. 

Your screen

This is what you stare at for the aforementioned seven-and-a-half hours a day. Yeah, you’re still not over that bit. Anyway, you stare at this and do the four hours work a day you’re used to fitting between homeschooling. You’ll get used to stretching it out pointlessly. 

Your colleagues

These are people you don’t like who you spend all day with. Like the kids except you’re not allowed to bollock them, unless you’re the boss. Check first. But they’re now behind perspex screens so even the briefest chat involves shouting and repetition and isn’t worth it. 

Your boss

Oh, you know this twat. They’ve been on at you the whole of lockdown with their f**king emails. Not so impressive in person, are they? Sitting there, looking out sadly at their socially distanced kingdom of barriers and empty desks. This was all they had. 

Your canteen

Offers a pathetic range of daytime food options. Where’s the brimming bowl of Crunchy Nut you usually enjoy at 10.30am? What about the family-size bag of onion rings for 11am? And it doesn’t serve booze? In what reality is that f**king acceptable? 

Your local high street

It might not seem as if it has much to do with your job, but this is why you’ve been ordered back to work. So in your half-hour lunch break go and buy a top from Zara, a sandwich from Subway and a thick shake from Five Guys, or the economy will collapse and you’ll be back at home. Wouldn’t that be a shame?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five reasons why 'Eat out to help out' is bollocks

THE government’s half-price meal scheme begins today, but is it bollocks? Here’s why you may not be rushing to take up Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous offer.

It may kill you 

Not from Covid-19, but a diet of McDonald’s breakfasts, Nando’s chicken and dubious pub grub. Morons love anything ‘free’, so in a few weeks there are bound to be dolts wondering why they’ve got dangerously high cholesterol after subjecting themselves to a less lucrative version of Super Size Me

Saving 10 quid isn’t worth getting a deadly virus for

As cost/benefit analyses go, a free toastie in Costa doesn’t justify ending up on a ventilator. Having said that, many people are incredibly tight, so hospitals may soon be full of patients gasping, “It’s okay, doc, I got a Harvester carvery meal for two quid.” 

It’s probably not saving you money  

By definition, the scheme encourages you to eat out when you weren’t planning to, so you’re out of pocket already. Now imagine you and your partner or mates are tucking into tasty pub grub in a pleasant beer garden. What drink will you choose? A nice glass of water, perhaps? F**k off. You’ll be having at least £15 of booze with that.

The innuendo

Whichever policy wonk thought of the ‘Eat out to help out’ slogan was either a bit naive or having a laugh at the public’s expense, so maybe it was Dominic Cummings. Now it’s impossible to eat your food without off-putting thoughts of getting pubic hairs in your mouth. 

Wankers love it

Social media is already full of idiots enthusing about getting a (mostly) free lunch, plus Tory voters praising Rishi Sunak to the heavens. Just paying the full price of your meal would be preferable to seeing smug bellends crowing that they’ve ‘bloody nicked a full English from Spoons’.