Female physicist trying to pinpoint exact times of prosecco and gin o’clock

A RENOWNED female scientist has made it her life’s work to establish the precise timings of ‘Prosecco o’clock’ and ‘Gin o’clock’.

Dr Helen Archer, who holds degrees from Oxford, Cambridge and MIT, has spent the past 10 years researching the mysterious early-drinking phenomenon.

She said: “We know roughly when the universe began and when the Earth was formed, but this crucial pair of times, which affect the lives of millions of drinkers every day, continue to baffle scientists.

“My research team and I work round the clock. We stagger our drinking throughout the day, then use special lab equipment to measure the precise cheekiness of each tipple.”

Dr Archer is determined to find the answer, despite resistance from male colleagues who believe funding should be focused on determining the time of ‘Beer o’clock’.

Most recently her research addressed the issue of the millions of fridge magnets and coasters produced every year which unambiguously state that it is ‘always gin o’clock’. 

She added: “That’s rubbish, of course. Who’s having a pink G&T at four in the morning? And don’t tell me ‘it’s five o’clock somewhere’. My team and I debunked that years ago.”

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The middle class guide to dirty talk

JUST because you’re a nice middle class person it doesn’t mean you can’t talk dirty in the bedroom. Here sex columnist Donna Sheridan shares her tips.

Be polite

Having uninhibited sex doesn’t mean you can leave your manners at the door. Say things like “May I insert this here?” and “Thank you, would it be possible to put these in there, please?”. 

Ensure privacy

Before you go to battle stations, make sure your children are asleep and the au pair has turned in for the night. The last thing you want during a filthy tirade is for Dominique to come in and start complaining about her pitiful salary.

Identify your middle class kinks

If you’re very middle class, things like “You’re so dirty”, etc., may not do the job. Consider breathlessly discussing how how to convert your loft into a spare room, or swap particularly acerbic witticisms from Marina Hyde’s latest Guardian piece.

Role-playing 

Role-play can add a whole new dimension to sex. Escape your middle class identity with comments like “D’you want some of my big, greasy Greggs sausage roll?” or “Coleen needs some loving, Wayne”.

Use your vocabulary 

Show some appreciation for your parents spending a fortune on an expensive private education, including a superior vocabulary. “Am I a bad girl who needs to be spanked, teacher?” is much sexier as “Am I a recalcitrant mentee who needs to be chastised physically, educationalist?’.